Forget the title race, it’s still over – the drunken stumble to 4th place is where the upper-end interest now lies in the Premier League.

Arsenal seem to be sobering up quickest – with 13 matches left to play, they are in the chair after their 3-2 win over Watford. They have one more point than Manchester United, who are very much into their run-in now with just ten Premier League rounds to go. West Ham, manfully keeping up drink for drink despite not having as much money in their wallet are three points back with ten to go too and Tottenham – well Tottenham are either pacing themselves for a final binge over their 13 remaining games or they are already under the table, completely done. I’m not quite sure.

At the Etihad, the inevitable outcome in the Manchester Derby was confirmed after about an hour – Riyad Mahrez scoring City’s third from a corner routine. There was briefly the chance of it being a decent battle – Jadon Sancho scoring a fine goal as he ploughs the lone furrow of the one player to be improved by Ralf Rangnick.

KDB got another derby double before Mahrez killed it completely in injury time – though by that point United had pretty much given up the ghost. Lindelof needed a ticket back into the ground after Foden turned him inside out in the build-up to De Bruyne’s second. Wan Bissaka saw all the credit he’d built up by not being in the side disappear with his 90 minutes here. Edinson Cavani had the right idea, ruling himself out injured before the game. We’ll probably find out whether Ronaldo was really injured or his blushes being spared once Rangnick gets the boot in the summer – nobody really thinks he’ll have enough juice in the orange to stay for the consultancy gig, surely?

City’s 4-1 win opened the gap back up to six points on Liverpool, who had got their customary win over David Moyes on Saturday.

Sadio Mane netted the only goal of the game where West Ham clearly had a plan to stop Mo Salah – which, in fairness, worked even without Declan Rice. The Hammers can feel a bit disappointed to have lost – they were very good and Micky Antonio was at his mischievous best. They’ll just hope that Jarrod Bowen’s injury isn’t season-ending and that King Klopp wasn’t tapping him up when he had a word as the striker limped off at Anfield.

The most effort expended on Merseyside was certainly by the crowd, though – a plane flew over the ground suggesting that the life of a cat is also important and the Kop reworked ‘attack, attack, attack’ to ‘a cat, a cat, a cat’ – I bet the meeting of minds coming up with that one was worth being at.

Burnley might have spent just a little too long patting themselves on the back having kept Chelsea out for the first 45 minutes – Tommy T’s men put three past Sean Dyche’s hard workers within the first ten of the second period before James Tarkowski created the clearest chance of the match for… Christian Pulisic – who made it four.

New manager, same result at Leeds United. Jesse Marsch is the man brought in to reunite a city in mourning after their iconic, mythical, crazy and, ultimately, not good enough for the Premier League, jefe Marcelo Bielsa was sacked last Monday.

The American, who by his own admission knows his accent goes against him thanks to Mr Lasso, managed to tighten up the Leeds backline whilst still seeing white shirts bomb forward – but, in the end, they still contrived to lose 1-0. His new side sit just two points off the drop zone but, as we were reminded at least 100 times before kick-off, are very, very fit.

One thing we can all agree on is that Arsenal just look weird in red shorts – but, poor colour combinations or not, they rallied to beat Roy Hodgson’s Watford 3-2 at Vicarage Road. Once again it was the young guns doing the damage – Odegaard, Saka and Martinelli all on the scoresheet and barely 60 years shared amongst them. Hodgson, with a smidgen over 60 years in the bank and some, admitted his side could not play much better than that – which will stand them in good stead in the Championship next season.

They will be down there with Norwich and that is for certain – the Canaries absolutely stank the house out against Brentford, for whom Christian Eriksen started and caused chaos by simply putting corners into the area. Not an area, just the penalty area.

Ivan Toney helped himself to a hat-trick, once again reminding us how prolific he is against second-tier opposition. He also showed off his penalty prowess, scoring two from the spot leading to Thomas Frank saying nobody is better in the world at them than his frontman. ‘Not Ronaldo, not Messi’ said Frank, stopping short at adding a certain Spanish goalkeeper to the list.

Wolves’ boss Bruno Lage was not a happy chap after his side went down 2-0 to Crystal Palace. Lage called out having too many ‘kids’ in his side – seemingly forgetting he is the man picking the team. These urchins “are not prepared as they should prepare” and Lage “won’t waste time on players who do not prepare”. None of that seems to explain why Raul Jiminez continues to be on the bench, given his age and his hard work to get fit again. But hey, managers. They need their excuses.

Had you suggested in November that the third most expensive player in world football would have been turning out in a Premier League midtable clash between the Villa and Southampton come March, you’d have probably been tested for something non-pandemic related.

But, Phil Coutinho was on the pitch and some would say he even graced it, playing a part in the first two and scoring the third in Villa’s 4-0 win. He probably should have had his own hat-trick, but silky touches in the middle of the park and a 4-0 security blanket allows people to overlook some very shoddy finishing indeed – and if I sound bitter, it has nothing at all to do with Fantasy Football. 

Newcastle United won again and Brighton lost again. Both things happened in the same game at St James’ Park where Potter nicked mine/everyone’s magic wand gag – possibly the best and worst thing he came up with all day given the result for his team.

No doubt by the time you read this, Spurs and Everton will have done nothing to help the former close the gap on the top four and the latter ease their relegation worries. Lampard won’t be able to pick Dele, of course – not that seems to be a worry given how infrequently Alli has been seen at Goodison Park.

Pretty much ever since 2003, we’ve wondered what would happen to Chelsea if Roman ever decided to hand the club over to someone else. And now we know – not a lot will change.

Abramovich officially announced he was passing the ‘stewardship and care’ over to the trustees of the Chelsea charitable Foundation on Saturday night. Whilst we can guess at the reasons, it would be no more than speculation -and, in all honesty, not a lot will change with the multi-billionaire passing on the day-to-day running of the club to people he has trusted with the day-to-day running of his football club for the last 20 years. Roman still owns Chelsea, will still fund Chelsea and is not looking to sell Chelsea. He just won’t be making any decisions (officially), OK?

The League Cup Final wasn’t completely overshadowed by the announcement – Chelsea and Liverpool went German-toe-to-German-toe at Wembley, the initial 90 minutes packed full of incredible saves (had the double stop by Mendy been made in an FA Cup Final in the 70s or 80s we’d still be talking about it now and his second one in the last five minutes wasn’t too shabby either – let alone the injury-time stop), terrible misses (looking at you Mason and you Mo) and disallowed goals (Virgil was interfering, despite King Klopp’s protestations). 

And the penalty shoot out was a classic that will be remembered – you could only be a Chelsea fan if you don’t find the tactic of bringing on Kepa because he is better at saving penalties, only to see him let 11 in and then blaze his over the bar, just a little worthy of a smirk. Kepa and penalty shootouts at Wembley – not good bedfellows.

Fans of Leeds United were in mourning on Sunday – and not just because they shipped another four goals, this time at home to Tottenham. Marcelo Bielsa is no longer their jefe and the mythical manager has delivered his last murderball session at Beren Cross.

On one hand, it is easy to admire Bielsa and his absolute commitment to playing the way Leeds play regardless of the opposition. Not many teams would try and go toe-to-toe with much better sides week in week out. The fact that if they did, they’d probably get stuffed 4-0, 6-0, 5-2, whatever too almost feels irrelevant because of the aura that surrounds Marcelo. On the other hand, the Argentine is a stubborn fool who still called the sky blue even when all the evidence that it was green suggested maybe he should change his beliefs.

Against Tottenham, it was pretty clear what was going to happen. Leeds would bomb forward, make a mistake and then Spurs would hit them on the counter and either score or go very close indeed. Would Kalvin Phillips have stopped Harry Kane dropping deep and pinging it to Sonny with ease? Would Patrick Bamford have taken any of the chances Leeds did manage to create? We will never know, but there was certainly a feeling that one of the names in the respective dugouts would be leaving after the final whistle depending on which way the result went.

Antonio Conte was understandably less grumpy and self-questioning than after the ‘everyone say that coming’ defeat at Turf Moor. That said, he wasn’t quite as ‘these boys are the best I have ever coached’ as he was having beaten Peppy G a week ago either. 

As for Leeds, they’ll be hoping Jesse Marsch does a bit better than the last boss from the USA to ‘grace’ the Premier League – Bob Bradley.

If the Yorkshire club are very much in a relegation scrap, then so are Everton. Granted, Frank Lampard would have seen any point gained from a home game with City as a bonus but they are only a single point ahead of a resurgent Burnley. They made Pep wait for the three points, Phil Foden scoring late and Lamps was left suggesting that his three-year-old daughter would have made a better fist of VAR duties than Chris Kavanagh. To be fair, he did seem to have a point unless Rodri has bizarrely large shirts sleeves.

Everton have their lowest points total since 1930, but don’t forget that’s not Frank’s fault.

Remember the days when Watford couldn’t keep a clean sheet for love nor money? That was, of course, BR (before Roy). The stats do suggest that United should have blown the Hornets away at Old Trafford but hey, if you don’t take your chances (or put it on an actual plate for Ronaldo) then you don’t win.

Matty Cash scored the all-important opener for Aston Villa against Brighton and then got booked for removing his shirt – nothing to do with the message he revealed, though some common-sense refereeing wouldn’t have gone amiss. Ollie Watkins ended his seven-game drought meaning Stevie G can start looking up the table again rather than down.

Burnley are grinding their way up – a 1-1 draw at Palace courtesy of an own-goal making it a very good week for them, further enhanced by Norwich continuing to look like a team that might struggle to win the Championship next season.

Wolves are wisely opting not to push for Europe – or at least that is the conclusion I am drawing given their lineup against West Ham. Tomas Soucek scored the only goal at the Athletics Stadium to keep the Hammers dreaming of the top four whilst knowing it will probably end up being the Europa League again.

And, in a week where good news has been hard to find, Christian Eriksen came off the Brentford bench in their 2-0 home defeat to Newcastle (who are managing to keep winning despite losing Kieran Trippier). Don’t let the bonhomie around Eriksen’s return distract you from the fact that bar Norwich, Brentford are the worst form team in the Premier League right now and are joining Leeds and Everton in making the relegation dog fight a little more interesting.

Another weekend of Premier League football has been and gone, physically untouched by Storm Eunice but with the weather leaving all kinds of pun opportunities in her wake.

Hurricane Harry netted a brace at the Etihad, just like the scriptwriters demanded. It rained goals for Man United at Elland Road. Cyclone Salah got his 150th Liverpool goal in their battering of Norwich at Anfield. And, of course, Whirlwind Weghorst got off the mark in Burnley’s 3-0 win over Brighton.

Up in Manchester, where the weather conditions were considered ‘mild for the end of February’, Antonio Conte outwitted Peppy G and condemned City to their first Premier League defeat since October.

Ruben Dias and Aymeric Laporte defended with all the strength of a creaky gate with a broken latch being battered by 90mph winds as Kane, Son and new-boy Kulusevski whistled past them on occasion. Naturally, City had more of the ball and a silly amount of touches in Tottenham’s box. Even facing a hapless Hugo in nets for Spurs didn’t guarantee three points for City and there was something that just meant Kane was going to deliver.

Tottenham’s main man has not been as prolific as usual this season, but judge a goalscorer on against whom and when he scores – City did a better job of chasing Kane in the summer than they did on Saturday.

The defeat leaves the door ajar for King Kloppo’s Liverpool. Somewhat amusingly, they trailed Norwich at Anfield and it oh-so-briefly looked like the Canaries were going to get something valuable out of the game. That was until Sadio Mane added a clever little overhead finish to the AFCON trophy in his February swag bag. Then, Alisson lumped it up to Mo Salah who swivelled the hips, stuck the Norwich defence on the floor and tucked home number 150 for the Reds – the second-fastest Liverpool player to achieve this tally.

City will most likely go on and win the league but it’s not as over as everyone was saying a couple of weeks ago, that’s for sure.

Chelsea, a team tipped by some fools (yes, me) for the title, were incredibly average at Selhurst Park against Patrick Vieira’s Palace. Romelu Lukaku continues to look nothing like a near €100m investment and the World Champions needed a late, late volley by Hakim Ziyech to nick three points.

Manchester United widened the gap between them and West Ham to the size of the 02 Arena roof with a 4-2 win over Leeds at Elland Road. United led 2-0 and all looked harmonious – Harry Maguire even scored when the ball seemed to just hit his head and go in. Ronaldo even joined in the celebrations – see, no rift, honest.

But, early into the second-half Leeds’ disorganised chaos had got the scores level – if only they’d considered shutting up shop and being grateful with a point, eh?

West Ham had got the weekend underway with a 1-1 draw with Newcastle – a much-improved team who won’t be going down. Eddie Howe’s men were without Wilson, Saint Max and Kieran Trippier and probably should have won.

Burnley, scorers of about three goals all season, found the back of Brighton’s net three times in the same 90 minutes at the Amex. Wout Weghorst got his first and helped Dyche’s men off the bottom of the Premier League on goal difference. Burnley’s goal difference is -9 after 22 games – Norwich’s a mere -38.

Uncle Roy was called to Vicarage Road to keep them up and Saturday’s 1-0 win over Aston Villa could well be a turning point. The Hornets look more organised than they’ve looked all season and whilst they won’t win any bonus points for pretty football, they’ll compete in all the games they need to compete in between now and the end of the campaign. 

The gap between them and Everton is now only four points after Southampton were the latest team to find the Toffees rolling over and letting their tummies being tickled away from home. Lampard is going to need time to get his new side playing the way he wants – but the problem is, that relegation zone is worryingly close for them and they are one of the teams heading very much in that direction.

Not as quickly as Brentford, however. Arsenal starlets Emile Smith-Rowe and Bukayo Saka were the match-winners once again as Arteta’s lot heaped another defeat on Thomas Frank’s side. Was Christian Eriksen expecting a relegation battle when he signed that contract?

If Brendan Rodgers is looking to make it easier for a bigger club to appoint him in the summer, continuing to oversee Leicester City’s demise is certainly going to remove the issue of hefty compensation being paid to release him from his contract. Two outside-of-the-box pearlers from Wolves saw off the Foxes this time – well, at least they didn’t concede from a set-piece.

You don’t get the feeling CR7 and Ralf Rangnick will be whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears this Valentine’s Day, do you?

Manchester United are never too far from crisis in their post-Sir Alex era. They’re not smack-bang in one right now, to be fair – but they are teetering and no mistake.

Their big-money striker, the prodigal son bought purely so their biggest rivals (who aren’t really their biggest rivals anymore given that they are struggling to see off the likes of Burnley and Southampton) couldn’t have him, the solution that didn’t address any of the actual problems has now failed to score in his last six matches. No longer are the pundits raising an eyebrow at his pressing stats – now it’s the thing he is supposed to still be world-class at.

Equally, the Godfather of Modern Football seems to have rocked up about a decade after his sell-by date. There is no doubting Rangnick has influenced the thinking of many a modern-German manager but maybe United should have gone after one of his disciples rather than the preacher?

Rangnick’s United are bad. So very, very bad. And that’s just when they have the ball – they are worse when they lose it. As Ralph Hassenhuttl put it oh so subtly having seen his Saints take a point at Old Trafford – “It is not a big secret that when they lose the ball that the reverse gears are not the best from everybody.” I mean, no fingers are being pointed here – except in the direction of Ronaldo, Bruno, Pogba, Sancho and Rashford – so distant from Scott McTominay at times that they made the Gallagher brothers look close.

Everyone got very excited when Rangnick arrived talking about his heavy metal football. The one missing component seems to be pretty clear, however. Players that actually fancy putting the shift in when they give it away.

As for Harry Maguire – remind me how much the club paid for him again?

Hassenhuttl might have broken a bit of an unspoken code by directly calling out an opposition in that way but what kind of statement against the modern United is that in itself? The Southampton manager making the great United sound like a lazy Sunday side who rate themselves a little too highly? And the worst thing for the United faithful? He’s nailed it with that statement.

That and the rumours of the players taking the mick out of Rangnick’s assistant Chris Armas calling him “Ted” after Ted Lasso – somehow you can’t imagine that happening under Fergie even before he won something.

The rate it’s going, Rangnick won’t see the season out let alone get a crack at the two years upstairs he’s been promised.

No such issues at Goodison Park though where Frank Lampard is clearly the second coming of Howard Kendall (the first version – not the second or third).

Lamps saw his Everton side sweep past a hopeless Leeds 3-0 – and, who’d have thunk it, it turns out Donny van der Beek is a bit of a footballer. If you put the 3-1 beating at Newcastle to one side, it’s been a very positive start on Merseyside.

Lampard’s former club wrapped up the World Club Cup in Abu Dhabi beating Palmeiras 2-1 after extra time. Given that Lamps was given a lot of credit for them winning the Champions League last season, does that extend to this trophy too?

After all, it was Frank that wanted Kai Havertz and it was Havertz who scored the late penalty to seal the title. 

Raheem Sterling took his desire for the perfect hat-trick to an extreme against Norwich – first getting Riyad Mahrez subbed off so he wouldn’t be on pens, then missing the penalty that was awarded so that he could then tap it in with his left. Don’t let the fact that the first goal was deflected dampen the perfect treble talk. Even if that blatantly means it cannot be considered a perfect hat-trick. 4-0 to City, once again making the ‘closest Premier League in history’ seem like a bit of a daft shout.

There seemed to be hope for Watford when they tempted Roy Hodgson back by pretending they were mermaids – the first result being 0-0 suggesting a bit of defensive steel. The nils have continued, but sadly at the wrong end for Uncle Roy. The Hornets were gently eased aside by Brighton, as they were by West Ham.

The most memorable thing about Brentford and Crystal Palace was the reception received by Christian Eriksen before kick-off. Unveiled eight months to the day after his heart attack on the field at Euro 2020, he’s hoping he and his pacemaker can get Brentford beating once again.

Burnley might have got a point at Old Trafford during the week with the first glimpse of Wout Weghorst’s good feet for a big man – but they got the result that was expected against Liverpool. Sure, it was only 1-0 and can be filed under ‘decent performance and Premier League survival won’t be decided in home matches against Kloppo’s lot’ but they really do need to find a win from somewhere soon.

Everything feels very different in Geordieland. Chris Wood might have been signed to score the goals needed but it turns out Kieran Trippier is sorting that out on his own. Given the captain’s armband, the England international nailed one against Everton and then repeated the trick against Steven Gerrard’s Villa on Sunday. Initially a penalty, VAR correctly sussed it was outside the box and Trips put paid to the old adage “it can be too close to get it up and over” but simply smashing it through the ‘wall’. The issue now is, with the full-back limping off for an x-ray on his foot who will score the goals?

Another big win though for Eddie Howe – and a four-point gap between them and the relegation trap door.

Antonio Conte might have played the company line of being satisfied with Tottenham’s transfer window but home defeats to Southampton and then Wolves might change his outwardly sunny demeanour.

Hugo Lloris reached peak Hugo Lloris levels – it always seems to happen after a big newspaper interview with the World Cup winner – in gifting Raul Jiminez the opener and then the Spurs defending for Wolves’ second was, well, very very Spurs like.

Brendan Rodgers started speculation that he could be United’s next boss by buying a house in Cheshire – convenient rumourmongering completely ignoring the fact that Leicester have been terrible for much of this season.

Against Rodgers’ Leicester, Kurt Zouma picked up an injury in the warm-up – presumably to his conscience, delayed just like concussion can be. Much of the pre-match talk had been about cats and Leicester’s inability to defend set-pieces. At full-time, most of the talk was about Leicester’s inability to defend set-pieces.

Fancy a quick spin on the transfer rumour merry-go-round? Go on then, fill your boots.

If United opt for the Poch, then he’ll be up for a reunion with Harry Kane. If United ignore the players and go with Rangnick’s preferred option, Erik ten Hag, then they’ll probably get Haaland.

Real Madrid got round the table last week to discuss who the next Marcelo could be and found Kieran Tierney’s name on a list someone had drawn up.

Gareth Bale and his ever-shrinking thighs could be seen at Tottenham again next season.

Absolutely brassic Barcelona would like to sign Leeds’ Ilian Meslier in the summer.

Jack Wilshere, despite hanging around Arsenal in the hope that Arteta thinks he might be less of a liability than Xhaka is wanted by Como in Serie B of Italy – despite the fact they can’t sign non-EU players.

And finally, Chelsea (clearly bereft of any English options in their Academy) fancy signing Brighton’s Adam Webster for a lot of money at the end of the season.

Back to the magic of the FA Cup then – full of giant killings, upsets, shocks and more. Except, of course, the FA Cup 4th Round ended up with more Goliaths than Davids progressing, minimal shocks and the only upsets being the tears shed by Kidderminster as they were a mere 60 seconds (twice) from knocking out West Ham – because we all knew Middlesboro and Forest were going to win, right?

If we roll the clock back to Friday night, was that even much of a shock? Ralf Rangnick might be the godfather of the modern game but he might have been better not rocking up at Old Trafford and protecting that myth.

Have United really been any better than before Ole’s sacking? Let’s be honest, Solksjaer was just as likely to have lost to Middlesboro on penalties and if it was ‘a lack of philosophy’ that did for the Norweigan what about the fact that Ralf is already sacrificing his principles after a mere month or so?

Rangnick arrived at the club to deliver high-intensity, attacking, modern football – all the United faithful have been served up so far is more of the same. At least you were able to get a pie and a pint at halftime when Ole was at the wheel, eh?

As mentioned, Kidderminster Harriers were twice less than a minute away from knocking West Ham out for the cup.

6th division Kiddy were the moral victors against the Moysiah’s high-flyers. Moyes went with a strong starting lineup but were well off the pace in the intimate environment of Aggborough. Declan Rice was thrown in and it was he who scored the first heartbreaker in the 92nd minute – a 45-minute cameo that had people likening Rice to Steven Gerrard. For me, Rice is the nearest thing to Bryan Robson – without the injuries – and unfortunately for the Hammers’ fans they should enjoy him whilst they can. 

With the penalty-taking order being decided, Jarrod Bowen tapped in at the far post to send West Ham through and Kiddy wondering what could have been – what could have been would have been an away tie at Southampton, incidentally.

Southampton nicked past Coventry after extra-time, Kyle Walker-Peters adding another goal to his growing collection.

FA Cup holders Leicester City crashed out away to relatively local rivals Nottingham Forest 4-1. Before the match, wise sages suggested that Brennan Johnson might cause England hopeful Luke Thomas a few issues, Keenan Davis might fancy it against the Leicester centre-halves, Djed Spence might show why Spurs were in for him in the window and Forest might fancy a goal from a corner.

Those wise sages were bang on and the odds on Steve Cooper replacing Brendan Rodgers at Leicester must have plummeted.

Chelsea were Tuchelless and pretty toothless in their 2-1 extra-time win over League One Plymouth. Argyle even missed a penalty in extra time that could have seen them take the European Champions all the way. But, Kepa – who only ever seems to get mentioned when there is a penalty involved – saved Ryan Hardie’s ‘effort’ and avoided too many more red faces.

For a brief moment, Fulham dreamed big. They led Man City 1-0 thanks to a goal from the nearly-signed-for-Liverpool Fabio Carvalho. Unfortunately for Marco Silva’s team, they scored a bit too early leaving City at least 80 minutes to sort it out. Sort it out they did, running out 4-1 winners.

4-1 was also the score in Chelsea’s Frank Lampard’s first game in charge at Everton. Lamps had spoken of reintroducing his new squad to the ball in a 180 degree flip from Rafa’s reign. Enjoy the ball they did as Richarlison continued his quirky little run of scoring in the first game of a new manager – we know it won’t last.

Liverpool weren’t great against Cardiff, but they didn’t really need to be. New signing Luis Diaz came off the bench to create their second and Harvey Elliott returned from his big injury to score the third – and for the perfect weekend, they will hope Sadio and Mo got through the AFCON Final in one piece.

Crystal Palace killed off Hartlepool within 25 minutes – hardly worth getting the afternoon off, was it Jeff?

Norwich will hope winning FA Cup matches will help them remember to do it more often in the Premier League. Their 1-0 win at Wolves was a bit of a surprise and their reward is getting a 5th Round tonking at Anfield.

Did Spurs have a good transfer window or a bad transfer window? Either way, they got on with it beating Brighton 3-1 – Harry Kane getting a brace. Is this the point Tottenham fans start to dream of actually winning something?

The 5th Round draw has thrown up some interesting ties with the teams who got the most impressive wins at the weekend rewarded with a chance of humiliating a Premier League big boy. Luton Town, of the Championship, will welcome a Chelsea team probably done in from the Club World Cup and thinking about the return of the Champions League. Peterborough, managed by Darren Ferguson, will be up against Man City and you can already guess the narrative for that one. Chris Wilder will wave Antonio Conte into the Riverside whilst Dean Smith will hope King Klopp picks the kids again. As for Forest? Well, they’ve knocked out Arsenal and Leicester so you just know they will lose to Huddersfield.

If you had forgotten there was a Premier League match on Saturday, you were luckier than those who remembered. Roy Hodgson’s return to management ended in a 0-0 draw at Burnley – a match whose scoreline categorically tells the story.

Finally, a gap in the football calendar I can get on board with. I must admit, when I realised that the late-2020 cries of “well, at least there’s not another international break until…” were accurate but also kind of inaccurate I was a little downcast, crestfallen even.

With all the recent cancellations, it did feel a little strange that the Premier League went ahead with their ‘winter break’ but it has served one useful purpose – it’s allowed us to stay on top of all the late transfer tomfoolery that will occur even if almost everything I muse over here will be out-of-date by the time you actually get around to reading this.

Even with the transfer window madness, some players have had to jet off on actual international duty – whilst their club teammates sun it up on some kind of ‘warm weather training’ jolly somewhere outside of the UK.

Therefore, early credit has to go to Liverpool keeper, Alisson. The shot-stopper was so keen to cut his international duty short he managed to get sent off TWICE for Brazil against Ecuador – only for VAR to kill his cunning plan TWICE and rescind the red card. 

But back to the important stuff – clubs wasting millions of pounds in late panic-mode football player shopping, forgetting almost entirely that they possibly have the solution tucked down the back of the sofa somewhere in the shape of the midfielder they cut from the first-team squad in August and made train with the Academy boys.

Of course, those of you reading this on Tuesday morning will note that almost everything written here is completely out-of-date but I promise you – on Sunday afternoon, some of this rubbish was hot off the press.

Firstly, Frank Lampard – he’s finally found a job he deems worthy of having a crack at and it just so happens to be at Everton (which does beg the question, how badly run were the clubs he has allegedly turned down in the year since getting the Chelsea boot?)

Everton confirmed the Chelsea legend on Sunday, having seen enough that weird bloke from Portugal who thought appearing on Sky Sports News was part of the interview process, Wayne Rooney (who turned down the offer of an interview, correctly surmising Derby County was a much more stable gig) and Duncan Ferguson who is likely to forever be the Goodison Park bridesmaid.

Lampard has lots to sort out at the Ev and doesn’t have the luxury of a Chelsea Academy production line to fall back on this time – or the kind of transfer bunce he was handed by Roman Abramovich. Still, his hands are not tied that much that he can’t free Donny van der Beek from his Manchester United prison.

Everton won the race for the Dutch midfielder by offering to pay all his wages – Crystal Palace were willing to pay 85% of the several hundred thousands of pounds a week. Two years ago, Van der Beek was feeding the likes of Hakim Ziyech and Mathijs de Light for Ajax. Two days ago he was knocking about with Ronaldo and Rafa Varane. On Tuesday, it could well be Solomon Rondon and Michael Keane. Football, eh?

Lamps is already being linked to several things Chelsea – coaches Joe Edwards and Anthony Barry would be more than welcome on his staff and he’d also happily take Ruben Loftus-Cheek whilst he’s there.

The Toffees are not the only club on Merseyside squirrelling away at the end of the window. King Klopp has a new minion in the shape of Porto’s Lucas Diaz who Liverpool successfully back-doored from Tottenham. 

Antonio Conte believed he had got his hands on the goalscoring wideman only to find that he was off to Anfield – the second last-minute defeat faced by Spurs in the preceding few days after Adama Traore opted for the Spanish sunshine and Barcelona rather than being asked to play as a wing-back by the Italian taskmaster.

If things couldn’t have got worse for Conte, Tottenham were also rejected by a non-league teenage winger. Ollie Tanner of sixth tier Lewes rejected a move to the greatest stadium in the world as he was unable to agree personal terms. Maybe he didn’t fancy being a wingback either?

It’s not all bad news for Tottenham, however – despite missing out on their first choices they are having to slum it by scraping the bottom of the Juventus barrel by bringing in the exceptionally talented Kulusevski and Bentancur. Now, if they can just find someone to take Ndombele and Alli off their hands it has not been a complete disaster.

Liverpool are hoping to follow up their first-class bit of transfer gazumping with a move for Fulham’s wonderkid Fabio Carvalho – at least half of the reason Mitrovic is banging in goals for fun in the Championship.

We can also deal in some Newcastle facts – they’ve snaffled up Lyon star midfielder Bruno Guimaraes for the best part of 50m big ones. He’s actually quite good and is no doubt thrilled at the prospect of being Newcastle’s first Brazilian since Mirandinha in the 80s. Well, that and hitting Chris Wood early.

Eddie Howe wanted a whole new defence by the time February arrived and has met with more resistance than his current back four is capable of showing – Diego Carlos didn’t happen, Sven Botman didn’t happen but it does look like Big Dan Burn will happen for around £13m. Brighton kept nudging the price up because, you know, Saudi Arabian prices. Jesse Lingard might have to blame Mason Greenwood for not being allowed to go to St James’ Park on loan rather than United demanding a £10m bonus if the Magpies stay up. News broke on Sunday that Dean Henderson might have finally badgered Ralf Rangnick enough to get a loan away from his place on the United bench – to Newcastle, of course, oddly a rare position they don’t really need to fill.

Howe has accepted that wearing the same colour kit is not enough to persuade Aaron Ramsey to leave Turin and that Ashley Young would rather stay at home with the Villa – he’s still hopeful that Eddie Nkietiah might be allowed to leave Arsenal, even if the imminent departure of Yo-Pierre could mean that Alex Lacazette ends up being the only real striker at the Emirates. After all, they won’t get their house in order well enough to actually sign a new one. And if Howe can’t get Nkietiah, Palace might – meaning Newcastle might push ahead with a plan to sign Atalanta’s Duvan Zapata. Keeping up? Sure? Well, if you can remember all that add the fact that Aston Villa’s Matt Targett is also on the, er, target list.

West Ham are throwing bids around like paper aeroplanes – Leeds have turned down £50m each for Raphinha and Kalvin Phillips. The Hammers have also tried to get Armando Broja and Ben Brereton-Diaz in the last few days and met firm nos on both at the price suggested. One that could well happen/have happened/might have been a mere figment of my imagination is Duleta-Carr from Marseille. A defender, you know? The one who didn’t fancy it a year ago but has possibly been tempted by the chance of linking up with Craig Dawson or a hefty payrise.

Wolves won’t be letting Ruben Neves go for a penny less than £40m, a statement designed to warn off the circling Manchester United and Arsenal. Jose Mourinho is hoping Arsenal sign Neves or even Villa’s Douglas Luiz so it means he can finally get it on with Granit Xhaka.

Brentford are keeping fingers and toes crossed that Christian Eriksen passes his medical so they can get him through the door – news that will surely cheer up Ivan Toney.

Leeds have done us all a massive favour by inquiring about Chelsea’s Kenedy – that massive favour being reminding us Kenedy is still technically on Chelsea’s books.

Barcelona have clicked that they probably need to sell more players if they keep signing them at the rate they are doing, so problem child Ousmane Dembele is once again being touted around the Premier League for around £18m. Someone is bound to panic and buy him. Getting him out will allow them to bring in Aubemeyang on loan, which will mean that Arsenal try (and fail) to sign Alvaro Morata.

Man City, a club irritatingly not feeling the need to get caught up in any of this, are likely to sign River Plate’s next-one-of-the-production-line in Julian Alvarez. They’re not rushing though, they don’t need to.

And, finally, Phil Jones seem to have found someone willing to give him a game – Bordeaux in France are discussing a deal to end a decade’s worth of service at Old Trafford.

How much of the above will have actually happened come Tuesday morning? As you should know by now, your guess is certainly going to be as informed as mine.

Another week passes us by in football and not much has changed. Sure, we’ve had drones, concussion subs, floodlights going out and a net being repaired in the most Sunday football league way imaginable. But, Man City will still win the Premier League title despite a minor slip, West Ham are still not a real top four side, Newcastle’s net gain since being owned by a country is a right-back and an overpriced striker who doesn’t score and Liverpool are not missing Mo Salah.

I mean, why would Jurgeylad’s team miss their main man? Diogo Jota has been asked to step into Salah’s shoes and if that means winning the team dubious penalties in a manner that would befit a certain Egyptian currently on AFCON duty, then so be it.

Liverpool ended up winning 3-1 at Selhurst Park against Palace in a game they will chalk off as three points well-earned in the end. Palace, on the other hand, will feel very hard done by that they did not get a point – mainly due to their finishing but also the insane VAR decision depriving them of a final push in the last ten.

It was only a fraction of a step to his right, but let’s just say Jota didn’t make much effort to get out of the way of the keeper who was simply doing his job of blocking where the ball should have gone had Jota’s touch not gone further than I tend to kick it.

But hey, clear and obvious, right?

Liverpool’s three points combined with City dropping two against Southampton means that the title race is marginally more on than it was this time last week which, in reality, is not on at all.

Peppy G has failed to win just five times in the Premier League this season and two of those have come at the hands of Ralph Hassenhuttl and his Southampton team. If only they could get some other teams under their spell and they’d find themselves in the top half of the table.

Kyle Walker-Peters won the personal Kyle Walker derby battle, scoring his first top-flight goal with a finish that would have social media in meltdown had any of the other English right-backs better known for attacking than defending pulled it off. Armando Broja, one of the hundred Chelsea players learning their trade out on loan and most certainly not part of the reason FIFA have changed the rules for loaning players out, caused the champions-elect all kinds of problems and was fractionally offside when believing he’d put the Saints two to the good.

Top teams find a way not to lose and Laporte thumped home a header – about the only time Salisu hadn’t headed a ball clear.

Chelsea and Spurs met at Stamford Bridge, giving Antonio Conte a chance to return to a stadium where he used to win things.

Tottenham’s starting XI certainly added more fuel to the theory that Conte might do one from Tottenham if he doesn’t get the reinforcements he is asking for. Chelsea have been pretty meh for a few weeks now, but that was good enough to win this one – though, the result would have almost certainly been different had Harry Kane’s opener not been disallowed. Yes, I know the result would have been different had Spurs actually scored but you know what I mean.

Now, I happen to think the goal was right to be disallowed under the “anywhere else on the pitch that’s a foul” theory I try to stick to. But, given the goal that was given for Norwich against Watford after Pukki literally threw the Watford defender into the stands before crossing – well, consistency is still missing. That’s all I am saying.

Credit to Thiago Silva, though. He managed to get a full slide on to convince Tierney it was a foul – and then ended up scoring Chelsea’s second in the second half. Not a bad day for the Brazilian – it almost made me regret leaving him on the FPL subs bench this week.

Man United’s 1-0 win over West Ham at Old Trafford means that Ralf Rangnick can now truly call himself a United manager. Chucking a load of strikers on when Plan A isn’t working? Check. Winner late into injury time? Check. All three subs having something to do with it? Check. Had he been brave enough to haul off Ronaldo again after another anonymous performance then he’d have had the complete set.

Marcus Rashford has had his critics in the last couple of months but with two goals off the bench in the last couple of games is showing that he could be a key part of Ralf’s revolution – even Anthony Martial put a brief shift in – though his cameo was more about reminding other club’s he still exists this window.

United are back in the top four – West Ham were a bit naive in losing with the last kick but also suggests that they are now a team that thinks they can win at Old Trafford in the last minute. I mean, they were wrong, but you have to admire their self-belief.

Newcastle United can head off to Saudi Arabia with clear consciences and undertake some very intense warm-weather training that is absolutely not a PR campaign or anything to do with the fact they are controlled by a state.

That long-haul flight will certainly feel a bit better with three points on the board – you suspect many a glass will be raised on the flight to Leeds’ goalie Ilan Meslier after he managed to let Jonjo Shelvey’s ‘shot’ squirm under him.

There was a raised eyebrow in this household at the sight of Mikel Arteta screaming for Nick Pope to be booked for timewasting in the Arsenal vs Burnley clash. It was reported that Arsenal are being investigated for a curious yellow card that allegedly coincided with a lot of bets being placed on when it would happen. Given the frequency of engagement with the referee’s notebook, you could suspect it might have something to do with Granit Xhaka – though I doubt you’d get that good odds on the Swiss midfielder getting booked in a game of professional football.

Burnley got a valuable point and continue their search for a Chris Wood replacement as Sean Dyche surely knows trying to stay in the Premier League with Jay Rodriguez and Matej Vydra is not a good idea.

By the time you read this, we might have waved goodbye to Claudio Ranieri for the final time in English football management. Watford were utterly awful at Vicarage Road. The lights going out were their best hope of not losing the game as Josh Sargent finally adapted to the Premier League with a brace in Norwich’s 3-0 win. Oh, they’re out of the relegation zone now – naturally, after I am sure I condemned them to certain relegation a couple of weeks ago.

Brentford and Wolves provided the most drama of the weekend – and some of it was even on the pitch. They finally wrapped proceedings up well after Jeff Stelling and the boys had knocked off for the weekend – Wolves won 2-1, by the way, but that was fairly irrelevant. 

First, two Brentford players had to be concussion subbed after knocking each other out in midair – cue the Sunday football screams of “TALK” whenever two players in the same team go for the same ball. Then the players were taken from the field of play as there was a drone flying around. When they finally returned, safe in the knowledge that a helicopter was now protecting the stadium from the small, plastic aircraft (the classic case of using a sledgehammer to kill an ant) the referee’s radio pack didn’t work – causing another delay. The game lasted so long that Ivan Toney seemed to go bald during the official 90 minutes plus – I am sure he used to have some wicked dreadlocks.

Still, the new-look Toney scored – unfortunately for Wolves, two of their Portuguese contingent got one each. I know, I know – that doesn’t really narrow it down.

Finally! Write this date down, folks. You may wish to refer to it in the future when the conversation strikes a chord of “yeah, but when did Everton last get anything right, eh?”

You’ll be able to pipe up the 16th of January 2022 – when they sacked Rafa Benitez early enough on a Sunday that it was able to be accurately reported in this column with no deadline issues.

Of course, this still won’t please the vast majority of Everton fans who will remind us forevermore that Rafa should never have been appointed and should, at the very least, have been sacked before he could flog Lucas Digne to his Champions League-winning skipper Stevie G for a mere £25m.

That’s the kind of blinkered thinking that has got Everton into this mess in the first place.

The final nail in the Benitez shaped coffin came courtesy of Norwich City (and Michael Keane) who have now achieved the most remarkable of feats in not being bottom of the Premier League despite having only scored ten goals in 21 matches. Michael Keane now has 1/10th of Norwich’s Premier League goals this season and as soon as he screwed in a cross from a tight angle, you just felt that this was the beginning of Rafa’s funeral march.

Benitez claims he was trying to fix five-years worth of mistakes at Goodison Park. Be that as it may, it’s not easy to manage a small club, eh Rafa?

January 15th 2022 was the day the ‘greatest Premier League title race of all time finally came to an end. Man City increased their overnight lead at the top of the table to a mere 13 points with their 1-0 win over Chelsea. Tuchel’s nearly-£100m man looked cumbersome and disjointed and so did Pep’s actual £100m man to be fair. But, City have a fully-fit Kevin de Bruyne to play with now and that does help ever so much. He banged one in from distance but it could have been so much more.

Liverpool, now playing for second if we can all accept the title is on the way to the Etihad, were supposed to crumble and fall without Sadio Mane and a certain Mohamed Salah to rely on. Their 0-0 draw with ten-man Arsenal in the League Cup semi suggested that without the two African stars, Liverpool were clueless and, more worryingly, goalless. 

Brentford came hopeful of matching their performance at home, but fell three goals short of the last result. Liverpool eased home 3-0 with more than adequate stand-ins Oxlade-Chamberlain and Minamino getting a goal each – Minamino will have been particularly happy to see his hit the back of the net given his midweek effort.

Manchester United were without Cristiano Ronaldo and Anthony Martial for their trip to Villa Park and one of those two actually couldn’t be bothered to turn up. Marcus Rashford was also missing, just like his form and ability as United leapt into a 2-0 lead – Bruno Fernandes (sans Ronaldo, we urge you to note) scoring twice and looking like, well, Bruno Fernandes.

Stevie G rolled his Barca-reject dice and landed on Philippe Coutinho – who came on for the second half, created one, scored one and generally looked like the whole Barcelona thing had been a very bad dream.

Newcastle unveiled their big new attacking signing that not one single Newcastle fan hoped would arrive in January. Chris Wood set Eddie Howe back a cool £25m – quite the outlay for a striker with a single goal to his name this season (even if it does weaken a direct relegation rival). Wood didn’t really knock on much, and it was a late Joao Pedro header (the kind of goal the St James’ Park faithful love seeing scored) who grabbed a point for Watford.

Wolves are making quietly efficient progress under Bruno Lage and saw off newly-purchased Southampton 3-1 at Molineux. There was some standard VAR tomfoolery as Southampton conceded a penalty that wasn’t an obvious contender for a clear-and-obvious award. VAR can change the direction of a match in an instant and so it was here – even Adama Traore (possibly wanting to impress Antonio Conte) managed to get on the scoresheet.

Brighton versus Crystal Palace is delightfully spiky given the actual mileage you have to put in to get from one ground to the other and it normally guarantees late drama. Friday night’s clash did not disappoint as Brighton got another late goal to nab a draw that they may or may not have deserved. Those who actually watched the game might have a more informed opinion.

Many thought West Ham would chalk off another simple enough win at the Athletics Stadium – the visitors being struggling Leeds. Not a bit of it though, as Jack Harrison conjured up a hat-trick in a 3-2 win meaning my spurious claims that Bielsa might not last January look more foolish than ever.

How about some transfer gossip?

Christian Eriksen could soon be back in the Premier League as he ‘isn’t bothered about the money’ and just wants to play football again. This news has pricked the ears of many sides looking to pick up a bit of a bargain – providing they can get him insured, of course.

Arsenal reckon they need a bit of bite up front and are linked to Diego Costa, currently on the verge of leaving Atletico Minero in Brazil.

Newcastle want to build on the excitement around snaffling Chris Wood and bring in Sevilla’s Diego Carlos, United’s Jesse Lingard, Phil Jones and Dean Henderson and Napoli’s Robin Gosens (who has been injured since September).

Chelsea are desperate for cover at left back and are throwing money at Inter and Ivan Perisic to come and help them out – otherwise they’ll have to suffer Marcos Alonso single-handedly meaning they miss out on the top four.

Finally today, Arsenal’s best move of the season so far was the one that led to the North London derby being called off with just one player down with COVID. Sure, Martin Odegaard managed to test positive after the game was kiboshed, but Arsenal were unable to field a team (or maybe just their preferred team?) with Xhaka banned for his Anfield sillyness, Ainsley Maitland-Niles and Balogun loaned out and a few other little injuries. Given the game was down to be played on Sunday, the fact it feels very Sunday league indeed is somewhat apt.

Well, it’s a good thing Newcastle United are taking the FA Cup seriously under the new ownership, isn’t it?

Under the beloved Mike Ashley, Newcastle readily admitted they weren’t that bothered about the FA Cup – hence the seven 3rd round exits in 14 long seasons.

It’s all different under the Saudi ownership though, right?

In front of 52,000 Newcastle fans hoping to see the first step on the road to Wembley navigated with minimal fuss, Eddie Howe’s side including new signing Kieran Tripper lost 1-0 to Cambridge United. And, the League One side fully deserved it.

On one hand, Newcastle can now focus their efforts on not becoming the richest club ever to play Championship football. On the other, a nice little cup run could have done wonders for their confidence.

Crystal Palace briefly looked like they might be the first top-flight team to fall. They trailed Millwall at halftime, but then Michael Olise realised a game of football needed to be won and set about it.

A Sean Dyche-less Burnley have bigger things to worry about than a 2-1 home defeat to Huddersfield in the third round. Mind you, they’d have probably welcomed winning a game of football just to remember what it felt like.

You can often sense how seriously Premier League sides will be taking the FA Cup based on the team they stick out there – so, Leicester fancy a run whereas Watford really couldn’t care less. Brendan Rodgers’ cup holders saw off the Hornets 4-1

Brentford and Brighton might both believe they are far enough away from a relegation dogfight to see how far they can go this season. Brentford smashed Port Vale 4-1 and Brighton saw off WBA 2-1 – both away. Good signs that they are taking it seriously.

We all know Man City will probably win it, and they took a stroll against Swindon, a team they used to meet quite frequently in the lower divisions before, you know, a country bought them. Pepless City won 4-1.

15 minutes into their trip to Hull, Everton looked like a team not too bothered about Rafa’s employment status. Andros Townsend likes the guy though and netted a winner in injury time after Hull refused to go away in 90 minutes.

At least Chesterfield got a goal at Stamford Bridge, something their decent away following will remember for years to come.

10-man Southampton nicked a win at Swansea where it has to be said, the atmosphere was somewhat lacking.

Sunday threatened a giant-killing or two, albeit briefly, but ultimately failed to deliver.

Morecambe led Spurs with just 16 minutes to go before Antonio Conte’s men broke hearts – three goals followed including one for Harry Kane. Are we at the point where the England skipper scoring is pretty standard again so doesn’t need mentioning?

Shrewsbury took a shock lead at Anfield before Liverpool’s kids (plus Virgil, Robbo and Fab) put their foot down and stamped out and hopes of an upset. Fabinho scored twice, which will never happen again.

At least Norwich can test my theory of a good cup run helping a team in a relegation battle – they sneaked past Charlton to make the hat for the 4th round as did West Ham, easing past Leeds 2-0 in a game that was a nailed-on home win. Wolves could be a team to watch, and they stuffed Sheffield United 3-0 in a game that shows Wolves can score more than once if they really, really concentrate.

Arsenal have a very good FA Cup 3rd Round record – ahead of their tie against Nottingham Forest they had only lost once in the previous 25. The thing is, that loss was against Forest at the City Ground and you know what? History can repeat itself once in a while and another £5m has been added to the price tag of young Brennan Johnson.

I’d love to report that the 4th Round of the FA Cup looks nice and tasty. 

League Two Hartlepool’s reward for getting this far is navigating their way through the Croydon one-way system for a clash at Selhurst Park versus Palace.

Kidderminster, a proper non-league side, welcome the Moysiah and West Ham to the Aggy. There’s all Premier League clashes between Spurs and Brighton and Everton and Brentford. 1987 winners Coventry will fancy their chances down at Southampton, Cardiff less so when they go to Liverpool. Fulham will have preferred not have to got Man City – a tie that a far smaller club could have done with. Plymouth did OK out of it, getting a game against Chelsea. Holders Leicester get a trip to Forest and the winner of United versus Villa welcome Chris Wilder’s Middlesbrough, 

Plucky little Cambridge? Their treat for beating Newcastle is a trip to Luton Town, poor souls.

The transfer window is wide open with a chilly breeze being allowed in.

Jose Mourinho, having spent most of his time in London refusing to pick young London talent has added another to his Roma ranks. Arsenal’s Ainsley Maitland-Niles is off to Italy on loan to learn exactly how out of date Mourinho is now, first hand.

Steven Gerrard reminded us all to check out Philippe Coutinho’s wikipedia page to remember how good he is because, frankly, he’s not bothered showing us on the pitch for a few seasons. The Brazilian arrives at Villa Park on loan and can hang around for £33m if he impresses – which he won’t.

Rumours are rife that Manchester United players are not convinced by Ralf Rangnick (and I can only assume the feeling is very much mutual) and Ronaldo’s been on the blower to his agent – crisis talks are due at Old Trafford as he wants out and fast. 

Never a club to let the lack of wage budget stop their hopes and dreams, Barcelona are hopeful of signing United’s Bruno Fernandes if he continues to look like a square peg in the Rangnick round hole. That’s if they don’t get Erling Haaland, you understand. Ex-Chelsea flop Alvaro Morata could be off to the Camp Nou to wait patiently alongside Ferran Torres in the line for who can actually be registered next.

Spurs would like Adama Traore to replace Emerson Royale and, you’ve guessed it, this has alerted Barcelona to the fact that Adama Traore might be available and better than Emerson Royale (who they might have forgotten they sold in the summer).

Lazio would like Kepa from Chelsea, because him and Sarri get on so well – not well enough for them to want his £170k-a-week wages, however.

And finally, Newcastle are still being linked to many and will probably sign few.

And welcome to the Premier League in 2022. Not much has changed – Man City are still running away with it, Norwich are still terrible and Newcastle still have more money than hope of Premier League survival. Arsenal? Well, they are still Arsenal living by the following equation at the weekend: Their own stupidity x VAR incompetence = three more points for City.

Rodri gave it the half-Emmanuel Adebayor with his celebration – to be greeted by toilet rolls, empty bottles and plastic cups from the Arsenal faithful. His goal meant City won their 11th Premier League match in a row and opened up the gap to 11 points. Only two other sides have led the top flight by that distance on January 3rd and, guess what? Yep, they both won the title.

Arsenal can certainly moan about VAR bizarrely choosing not to even have a look at Ederson clipping Odegaard, but there are minimal moans to be had about the way Granit Xhaka (naturally) gave away a brain-dead penalty and Gabriel thinking he could get away with clotheslining his Brazilian teammate Jesus on the halfway line when on a yellow card.

Chelsea and Liverpool didn’t deliver much between them, did they? I mean, there was very little to discuss in the build-up and the game itself could not have been more of a damp squib if it had tried.

Tommy T took so much offence to Romelu Lukaku’s interview with Sky Italia that he banished him from the squad – not that he would have started the Belgian anyway, that’s the whole point of the argument.

Liverpool were sans Klopp, Alisson, Matip and Firmino for obvious reasons and Andy Robertson was still midway through his festive holiday following his red against Spurs. Lijnders’ lads should have been without Mane too, after his forearm took just four minutes to locate Azpilicueta’s cheekbone.

Of course, Mane would score the minute he only got a yellow – Trevor Chalobah channeling his inner Andy Gray in trying to head a ball that was rolling towards either of his feet and allowing Mane to open the scoring.

Mo Salah did what Mo Salah does and scored a worldy for the second before being bettered by Mateo Kovacic of all people – the Croat flamengo kicking a volley to reduce the deficit. Christian Pulisic, frankly a bit of a pants footballer at the moment, then scored from a rare Kante assist to make it 2-2 at the break. The second half was not as frenetic but both keepers were called into brilliant action to keep the scores level.

As we said, damp squib. And a damp squib that Man City will have thoroughly enjoyed.

It only took Tottenham 63 attempts to beat the first man from a cross and when they did, Davinson Sanchez rose to head home Son’s ball in and break Watford hearts. It wasn’t just at the Emirates where VAR seemed to have some very selective thoughts around what to check and what not to check – Joao Pedro seemed to get a toe to the ball a fraction before Hugo Lloris crashed into him.

That said, Spurs could have had two in 35 seconds themselves after Kane was tickled to the floor and then Dier was bear-hugged to the ground from the resulting corner. 

If there is one team you’d look at and think, “they know how to get out of trouble” it is Burnley. But, losing 3-1 at a Leeds team struggling for form and confidence means that thought process has to be challenged. Their one and only bright spark, Maxwel Cornet, was back from injury for a second-half cameo and goal before heading off to AFCON tomorrow. For Leeds, that was a much-needed respite from looking knackered and losing – and might even calm the Bielsa out rumours that have quietly started in the background.

Brentford got themselves a valuable win over Aston Villa – who should have been docked any points that Trezeguet’s injury-time dive might have earned them. That, and a five-year ban for the Egyptian of course.

All Everton fans wanted for Christmas was Rafa out and the most common New Year’s Resolution at Goodison Park was for Rafa to be out. Benitez did nothing to help himself by leading the side to yet another defeat – 3-2 to Brighton. Dominic Calvert-Lewin was back and on spot-kick duty – blazing it over the bar and into Stanley Park. DLC is now the 22nd different Everton player to miss a Premier League penalty. Only Arsenal have more, possibly my favourite fact of 2022 so far.

Everton might need to sign Graham Stuart in January as there’s every chance they might need a 1994esque escape from relegation at this rate. Though, and I am sure I have said this before, they deserve to go down purely for the state of Jordan Pickford’s goalkeeping jersey.

Hang on, what day is it? I do find this time of year stupidly confusing. I think we are about to wave goodbye to 2021 which would mean it is quite likely that 2022 is upon us. The only other factual statement I have to offer is that Chelsea will not win the Premier League this season.

Tommy T’s out-of-form side are randomly 10/1 not to finish in the top four which feels equally like throwing money away and potentially a corker of a bet.

Tuesday’s (Wednesday’s? Hell, I don’t know) 1-1 draw with Brighton saw the gap between Chelsea and Man City widen to eight points – though the Blues are still second thanks to Liverpool deciding to take the night off against Leicester. 

Not improving Tuchel’s mood will be the injury to Reece James and the small matter of Romelu Lukaku going rogue and telling Sky Italia that he is “not happy” with his situation at Chelsea and he fancies a return to Inter one day. 

“Physically I am fine,” Lukaku told Sky Italia. “But I am not happy with the situation at Chelsea. Tuchel has chosen to play with another system.

“I won’t give up. I will be professional. I am not happy with the situation but I am professional and I can’t give up now.” Lukaku being the ultimate professional there, bitching about life on national TV.

But, the big Belgian might have a point – Chelsea are hardly firing on all cylinders right now and what’s the point in buying a £99m striker if you are not going to use him? Even Man United are not that daft – they seem to pick Ronaldo no matter what.

United, having incurred the wrath of Ralf Rangnick for a lack of energy and bad body language in their 1-1 draw with Newcastle on Monday (definitely Monday, I remember that being Monday) clicked a little more into gear with a 3-1 win over Burnley. 

Scott McTominay seems like the player to have benefited most from the German’s arrival at Old Trafford, as he scored (bravely taking the ball off Ronaldo’s foot to shoot) and hit the post in the move leading to Ronaldo’s goal. He almost looked like a United midfielder of old – certainly more Bryan Robson than Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Don’t let the fact that Burnley hadn’t played since December 12th or won since the end of October dampen the spirits – United are back baby and have the small matter of catching Arsenal, four points ahead in 4th place. What do you mean it was only one game? Yeah, OK – you are probably right.

Peppy G’s lot extended their lead to the aforementioned eight points with a 1-0 win over Brentford. Phil Foden netted the winner making it ten straight wins in a row for City – that force of nature with Chelsea and Liverpool being a little sloppy means the title is probably done. As Pep himself remarked, As Pep Guardiola remarked: “The reason they drop points is that we won 10 games in a row.” I’m not sure that is exactly how it works, Pep, but OK.

The real reason for Liverpool to be even further behind City was a rare off-day for Mohamed Salah, probably still smarting from not being in Garth Crooks’ BBC Team of the Year. Salah won a penalty, missed the penalty and then headed the rebound against the bar. Kasper Schmeichel had the kind of day out that did justice to his surname and Brentan called the performance “heroic”. Liverpool had 67 touches in the Leicester box yet none of them got past the Dane.

Who remembers the days of old when West Ham going 1-0 away to Watford between Christmas and New Year would have almost certainly guaranteed defeat? Not any more, thanks to the Moysiah. Ranieri’s side took the lead at Vicarage Road and then saw the Hammers rampage – scoring four and all without Declan Rice. Even Mark Noble joined in and played well. All that was left was for Moyes to bemoan another daft VAR decision that went against his side – well, you can’t have everything. Even at Christmas.

Spurs needed a Harry Kane penalty to get a point away at 10-man Southampton. James Ward-Prowse scored for the home side in a rare non-set-piece kind of away. Conte remains unbeaten in the Premier League since his return but will see that as two points very much thrown out of the window.

Norwich might as well pack it in and take the rest of the season off. They lost again, this time to a Crystal Palace side decimated through illness and injury and with Patrick Vieira holed up somewhere giving info via Whatsapp.

Is Dean Smith really doing anything better than Daniel Farke was doing? Probably best not to answer that.

How about some space-filling transfer rubbish?

Liverpool have noticed that Arsenal’s Bakayo Saka is pretty good and think he could be their Mo Salah replacement. They also want to bring AC Milan’s Franck Kessie to Anfield on a free in the summer.

Barcelona, still penniless, will return to the Etihad to persuade Aymeric Laporte to head to La Liga at the end of the season. There was also some utterly weird/hilarious/probably true chat around Ronaldo reaching out to Gerard Pique asking him to fix a move from United to Barca ASAP.

Oh, and Newcastle – deep breath. The current holders of the “all the gear but no idea” baton are looking at Kieron Trippier, Lille’s centre back Sven Botman, Juventus’ bib collector Aaron Ramsey, Barcelona wild child Ousmane Dembele and Roma’s Jordan Veretout. I think we can all agree, that if they get one out of five there, they’ve done well.

Marcelo Bielsa likes his players to be like rabid animals and to be fiercely competitive. So, who else could they be linked to other than the son of Diego Simeone? Giovanni is a striker, plying his trade in Verona right now. If he fancies doing a hell of a lot more running, Leeds is the place for him.

Well, it didn’t quite match the much-fabled Boxing Day of 1963 but there were plenty of goals shared around on the day after Christmas 2021.

Up at the Emptyhad, it was borderline genius or farcical – depending on your viewpoint. Leicester City, not known for their ability to defend this season, managed to find themselves four down within 30 minutes – thanks in the main to Youri Tielemens attempting a Christmas record of conceding three penalties in one game. The Belgian fell short by one and Brentan was seen furiously scribbling in his notebook as Man City’s fourth hit the back of the net.

What could have he been writing? Surely nothing that could save this shambles – yet Leicester flew out of the second-half blocks and scored three quickuns themselves, making it 4-3. James Maddison, for 15 minutes, made it look like Peppy G signed the wrong player when he forked out 100 million big ones for Jack Grealish. 

Leicester awakening shook City back into a bit of life – they felt the need to score two more just to make the game safe. The final score, 6-3. Bonkers. If Marc Albrighton hadn’t managed to diving head it wide from three yards out? Who knows.

At 1-0 down to a Steven Gerrard-less Aston Villa, many were writing the obituary to Chelsea’s Premier League title challenge. Eduoard Mendy managed to find another way to concede a bizarre goal – this time, Matt Targett’s cross deflecting off Reece James leaving Mendy approximately 30 seconds to adjust his feet and catch the ball. The keeper, however, looked like his boots were stuck in Christmas treacle and the ball looped over his head and in.

Tommy T did have a present to unwrap at halftime, though. It’s always useful when you can throw on a £90m striker when you are chasing a goal or two and Romelu Lukaku certainly delivered – first, out-er-muscling the weakest of challenges from Tyrone Mings to head home a cross and then bouncing Targett to the floor before forcing Konza to bring him down in the area. Another hop, skip and jump from Jorginho and three points were heading back to Stamford Bridge.

Arsenal are looking surprisingly good in Arsene Wenger’s favourite spot in the league – they sit happily fourth having destroyed Norwich 5-0 at Carrow Road. Bakayo Saka was doing his very best impression of Arjen Robben, cutting in from the right and scoring goals. Even Lacazette remembered how to score penalties as the Gunners opened up the gap to 5th to six points (just don’t mention the fact that Spurs have three games in hand).

Speaking of Spurs, Antonio Conte is making them a lot less rubbish than they were when he turned up. A 3-0 win over Crystal Palace was clinical and saw Harry Kane notch his best Premier League goal of the season to date. Wilf Zaha clearly didn’t fancy it, so picked up two cheap yellows in the first half.

West Ham’s attempt to challenge the top four is certainly over for another season. They fell 3-2 at home to Southampton who celebrated the win as if it meant they were staying up. West Ham were very good at getting back into the game but then very bad at not conceding moments later.

Brighton hadn’t won in 12 matches before Brentford’s visit to the Amex. Neal Maupay, not the most consistent of goalscoring options in world football, scored the killer second just before halftime.

Various Premier League clubs with more money than sense (looking at you, Newcastle) will be alerted to the fact that Gareth Bale and Isco have been stuck on the Real Madrid transfer list. 

Madrid need to free up a bit of space to make it possible to pay Chelsea’s Antonio Rudiger silly amounts per week.

As we know, the La Liga giants have no money to spend at all – which is why they are so keen for the ESL to still happen. Barcelona are getting over their lack of liquidity by being forced to only spend £50m on Ferran Torres from Man City and take on Edinson Cavani’s paltry wages.

United are looking to raid the Bundesliga for any young Germans Ralf says would make sense. Florian Wirtz, Luca Netz, Eric Martel and the magnificently named Armel Bella-Kotchap are all on their way to Old Trafford if you believe the goss – and they will be joined by Marseille’s Boubacar Kamara who will be as free as a bird come the summer.

Jose Mourinho, having hated picking young English players for all his years in England, would like Ainsley Maitland-Niles to join him and Tammy Abraham in Rome.

Finally, Leeds fans were in another meltdown after rumours broke that Raphinha was off to Bayern Munich for £50m. Relax, it’s not happening – not yet, anyway…

Readers, as you can imagine, I tried to get today’s column called off due to so many matches being unavailable but the FA said no. All I am asking for is some clarity on the rules. The credibility of this column is in severe doubt if some games are played and some are not. It possibly gives other columns an unfair advantage if they have columns in hand.

But, here we are – we have to go ahead and we will do the best with what we’ve got. We’ll probably end up as bedraggled and battered as Leeds, but so be it.

Let’s cast our minds all the way back to earlier in the week – there were some matches played so we should probably pass comment just to fill in some gaps.

Jacob Ramsey has been inspired by Stevie G’s arrival at Villa Park and I’m not personally convinced Gerrard could have hit one as sweet on his weaker side as the young midfielder managed against Norwich. Dean Smith must have watched some of the Villa performances wondering why he’d not seen much of that a few weeks ago – Ollie Watkins nabbed the second from a Ramsey cross.

At the Etihad, Leeds probably arrived with a plan but we can probably assume they didn’t execute it. Bielsa’s side are currently ravaged by injury, but they are also incapable of the basics of defending right now. Of course, City will smash some sides once in a while but this was different – given the regard that Peppy G holds his former mentor, this was a moment that puts a question mark over the crouched figure of Marcelo.

Southampton were missing so many players that even Shane Long got a game against Palace. Looking at the, er, form of the Saints’ frontman, it’s safe to say he wasn’t expecting the call. 

Brighton, every armchair analysts’ guilty pleasure at the start of the season, have started their descent to the bottom half of the Premier League earlier than usual. Wolves took the 1-0 win, consolidating their position as a massively inconsistent mid-table side.

It’s almost as if West Ham have suddenly looked at the table and thought “hey, we must be quite good” and from that moment have stopped doing what got them there in the first place. 600 games into David Moyes’ Premier League career and Arsenal beat him 2-0. Gabby Martinelli, who we will hear from again in a bit of a spoiler alert, was at it again but the Hammers going down to 10 men hampered their hopes of keeping the Gunners out of 4th place.

Newcastle’s plan for survival was unlikely to include getting three points from Anfield, but Eddie Howe had some right to feel a little aggrieved given how events unfolded against Liverpool. The Magpies led and there was one or two raised eyebrows at Jota’s equaliser, given Issac Hayden was flat out on the deck with a head injury. Howe didn’t do himself any favours saying the player was dazed for the next five minutes – another thumbs up to the concussion protocols there – but there’s no real way that goal should have counted. Would King Klopp’s side gone on and won anyway? Well, yeah – probably.

Chelsea seem to be finding new and creative ways to throw away a lead. This time, they stooped to the depths of letting Everton and Rafa Benitez leave the Stamford Bridge with a point.

On Sunday, against Wolves, Tuchel didn’t even want to play due to the fact he could only field England international Mason Mount, USA international Christian Pulisic and Morocco international Hakim Ziyech in their front three. Mind you, he might have had a point – and not just the point he gained in the 0-0 draw. It wasn’t a good week for Tommy T and his boys in blue.

Mind you, his week was not as bad as Bielsa’s. They followed up their 7-0 trouncing with an almost comically bad 4-1 loss at home to Arsenal that ended up being overshadowed by the behaviour of the Leeds fans, allegedly. Gabriel Martinelli got a brace and, if Arteta chooses to trust him more than the £300k-a-week former captain, he might finally get a chance to become the player he really could be.

Leeds will soon be praying that Norwich, Burnley and Newcastle all find ways to finish lower in the table than them – with Newcastle, they have a pretty good chance as their held out against City for all of ten minutes before Ciaran Clark (again) and Martin Dubravka (again) found a new way to concede a silly goal.

The biggest game of the weekend, and not just because it went ahead, was down in North London where Spurs welcomed Liverpool by giving everyone a Premier League glimpse of Dele Alli’s new hair colouring.

Considering everything that had gone before, or to be more specific, not actually gone before with all the cancellations, the Premier League weekend ended on a high with Conte and Klopp putting on a proper humdinger of a match.

Harry Kane scored, Alli showed glimpses of the 2018 peak Alli and Harry Winks looked like an actual footballer.

Liverpool, without their entire first-choice midfield and Virgil, were equally relentless but will reflect back on the fact that had Spurs been able to finish just one more of their 50 or so chances, they’d have been heading back from London once again with a defeat.

It was end-to-end and had a goalkeeping blunder from Alisson to compliment his otherwise excellent shot-stopping. There was a red card when Andy Robertson thought he’d got away with chopping down Emerson Royal before VAR intervened – the very same VAR that felt sending the England captain off on his home patch wasn’t needed.

2-2 and you just felt that was the only game you needed this weekend.

The transfer window opens in a matter of days meaning the rumours are notching up a few levels every moment that passes.

Arsenal will pay for the private jet that takes Yo-Pierre away from the Emirates and right now they will need to point it in the direction of Turin. Juventus are keen to spend the wage budget they saved when they got shot of Ronaldo.

Barcelona are thought to be keen because the small matter of £300,000 a week means nothing to them. However, they might opt for United’s Edinson Cavani instead if they remember to ask Ralf whether Edinson is fit.

Whilst they are there, the Catalan club are considering sticking Juan Mata in the basket as well given that even Anthony Martial seems to be further up the pecking order than he. Martial is, of course, being linked to Newcastle along with Jesse Lingard. They also fancy Edin Dzeko from Inter who would obviously trade in a Serie A title run for a cold, North East relegation battle.

Dele Alli also seems to be on Nicky Hammond/Eddie Howe’s respective radars – a loan from Spurs could well happen and Alli might find that Lille’s Sven Botman is a new teammate.

Having realised he spent far too long ignoring him when he was manager of Chelsea, Jose Mourinho would love to make it up to Ruben Loftus-Cheek by taking him to Rome. Tammy Abraham will be asked to make it happen.

Antonio Conte has decided the best way to make Spurs good again is to make them last season’s Inter Milan and will start with Arturo Vidal – a spring chicken at 34.

Finally, a few good results has Arsenal thinking they can sign players from Juventus like in the good old days – they fancy their Swedish winger Dejan Kulusevski.

Well, they say the top teams get those big decisions, don’t they?

The top three teams in the Premier League won their matches courtesy of penalties – and so did Manchester United. West Ham, good but not good quite enough to be considered in that group, weren’t given theirs – and you could pretty much guarantee they’d have got it had they been one of City, Liverpool or Chelsea.

Let’s be clear here – Salah made a bit of a muppet of Tyrone Mings and no matter what Stevie G thinks, that one was a pen. Admittedly, Villa probably should have had one too after Alisson pawed at Danny Ings’ shins after a bit of a cock-up in the Liverpool backline.

But City’s against Wolves? Never in a million years. The ball hits Moutinho in the armpit first before just about touching the area of the shoulder that the Premier League have gone to great lengths to explain equals ‘not handball’. Still, it helped Raheem Sterling get his 100th Premier League goal so it doesn’t really matter, right? The lack of a Wolves response also saw Ederson notch up his 100th clean sheet for City – hardly surprising given the daftest of ways Raul Jiminez found to get two yellows in the space of 30 seconds. Given how much football he missed when his cheekbone and skull got rearranged against Arsenal, you’d have thought he might have had a little more sense.

Could the Leeds and Marcelo Bielsa love-in be coming to an end? Quite possibly, though the Argentine footballguru was not helped by a shocker of a decision to give Chelsea their second, and ultimately winning, spot-kick. Rudiger, a big strong central defender, fell as if he had been kneecapped and, again, it was hard to argue ‘clear and obvious error’ once the decision had been made – in the same way there was no chance of it being overturned if that had not been given in the first place. This was the third penalty of the match – fortunately (or not, as the case maybe) there were no complaints with the other two.

Up at Carrow Road, Dean Smith called it “the softest of soft” but that’s what happens if you are Norwich and you are playing against the big boys. Cristiano Ronaldo felt Max Aarons’ hand on his shoulder for a millisecond and that is all it took for decks to be hit, whistles to be blown and fingers pointing to spots. Ronaldo, of course, needed no second invitation to bail United out once again.

As previously mentioned, West Ham will know they are truly a top-four side when they get their fair share of tight calls go their way. Their trip to Burnley was as dull as it was cold but the only hot point was when Craig Dawson was felled by Dwight McNeil in the area. If you want ‘clear and obvious’ this was a pretty suspicious candidate and you have to believe that Craig Dawson, as classic a centre-half as there appears to be left in the game, wouldn’t know how to ‘initiate contact’ even if he was told to. 

Things don’t really go your way either when you are Newcastle United – and let’s put karma to one side. Playing a Leicester side without several players available and Jamie Vardy keeping warm on the bench, they will have felt this was a chance to gather a little more momentum. That feeling didn’t last long as another penalty was given, prompting a Geordie breakdown not seen since Keegan picked up the mic back in the 90s. Leicester ran out 4-0 winners, slightly tempering the pain of finding themselves in the UEFA Conference League in the New Year.

Arsenal continue to baffle. Pierre Emerick-Aubameyang continues to deal in ill discipline. The Gunners’ skipper was dropped for the second time this term for breaking some part of the Arteta code but was not missed – if anything, his absence helped Arsenal be better (if you ignore the first 15 minutes). Southampton could be in genuine trouble this season if teams like Norwich, Newcastle and Burnley wake up a bit – they were completely out-fought and out-played by Lacazette et al.

Brentford will be thinking they should be well on the way to safety – they picked up three late points against almost-local-ish-rivals Watford on Friday night. It was the first penalty of the weekend awarded, maybe it was a clue – but it was dispatched sans-Toney and the Bees are closer to the Champions League places than to the relegation zone. The same can categorically not be said about Watford.

Everton were clearly fooled into thinking they were back at it having beaten Arsenal last time out. Crystal Palace, hardly on a great run themselves, only had to be better than Everton and, like many, they were. It’s not often, or even ever, that Palace beat Everton and it was a corker from Gallagher to seal all three points. All agent Benitez jokes aside, it would be weird if it was him who led them into a relegation battle.

Let’s take a look at the best of the rumours to inject a bit of fun into this week’s rubbish. 

Real Madrid have taken one look at Ronaldo being asked to run around a bit and reckon now is the time to tempt him back to La Liga. Makes sense, but knowing United they’ll end up with Eden Hazard in return, unless Moyes ups his £21m bid. West Ham there, looking to return to their old transfer blueprint of overpaying for old has-beens.

Ralf Rangnick has dipped deep into his scouting database and pulled out two relative unknowns that he feels could inject some energy into the team. There’s a kid playing in Germany called Jude Bellingham and another midfielder at Leeds called Kalvin Phillips. This is what he’s getting paid the big bucks for.

Rangnick clearly isn’t fussed whether Paul Pogba signs a new deal or not but one thing he is fussed about is players disappearing to sunnier climes to ‘recover from injuries’. There will no more of that on Ralf’s watch – and probably no more Anthony Martial either, who’d rather play for a club that picks him.

Having already signed an Argentine called MacAllister, Brighton want to move for a Chilean international called Brereton. Blackburn’s Ben Brereton stuck Diaz on the end of his name in a bid to ‘pay respect to his Chilean roots’ after he got called up for the last Copa America. Anyway, since becoming Brereton-Diaz he’s become rather good and Graham Potter values that rather good at £20m in January.

Barcelona, the club with no money, are ready to pay €50m+ for City’s Ferran Torres. They would also like to offer Chelsea trio Cesar Azpilicueta, Antonio Rudiger and Andreas Christensen money they don’t actually have to join them in the summer. 

Newcastle, who do have money, have decided Jesse Lingard will be their marquee signing backed up by the signatures of Aaron Ramsey and Ainsley-Maitland Niles. Don’t worry about that defence, eh Eddie?

Finally, Arsenal are prepared to offer £70m for Fiorentina goal-getter Dusan Vlahovic. Vlahovic is prepared to ignore the call and wait for something a little bit better.

Well, it certainly wasn’t a slow waltz but it certainly wasn’t rock’n’roll either. Ralf Ragnick’s Manchester United debut was more like a drunken dance in the club – you think it will look good, you hope it will look good but even with the best of intentions, it’s all arms and legs everywhere with little coordination.

Of course, the latest German to come and save English football has only had one session to get his user-specific pattern of play into the United players’ brains – brains that need retraining, apparently. But they showed some willingness to run around – even that old bloke upfront.

After his ‘moment’ against Arsenal, not many would have had money on Fred being Ralf’s match-winner – the fact it fell on his right foot probably meant he didn’t have to think too much before curling it away into the top corner.

The plan to modernise Manchester United is underway and there was another United manager who started an era of success with a 1-0 win over Palace. Just saying.

Sunday’s match at Old Trafford was hardly enough to get the top three quaking in their boots. Chelsea had other things to be worrying about, like how on earth did Arthur Masuaka’s cross end up in the back of their net? Edouard Mendy, probably still smarting from giving away a penalty in the first half, was understandably expecting the ball to come flying across the face of his goal, not bizarrely ending up sneaking into the near post.

West Ham deserved their win, make no mistake. Moyes Boys needed a performance and they certainly put one in, knocking their city rivals off top spot and keeping themselves in the running for a top-four finish. Chelsea are having a bit of a wobble, and then you bring on a €90m+ centre forward to make an impact as a sub, you’d hope he had more of an impact than Romelu Lukaku.

They were replaced at the top firstly by King Kloppo’s Liverpool. Their 1-0 win over Wolves would have been sorted out far sooner had Diogo Jota done anything other than smash it straight into Conor Coady’s, er, nuts. It took ‘legend’ Divock Origi to bail his side out with a late winner having come off the bench. That’s how you do it, Rom.

Liverpool’s stay at the summit was expected to be short-lived as Man City only had to worry about Watford at Vicarage Road. That said, in six Premier League outings Claudio Ranieri had only been beaten by City the once. We can now officially chalk that up as twice in seven as City swept past the Hornets 3-1 without really breaking too much sweat. Once again, Bernardo Silva showed why he gets the special seat on the bus this season – scoring yet again.

Tottenham beat Norwich 3-0, yet the real news from North London was that Harry Kane failed to score again. Lucas Moura, immediately benefitting from Antonio Conte’s tough love, scored a bit of a belter.

We can no longer point and laugh at Newcastle having all that money but no wins. They finally got off the mark, courtesy of Nick Pope randomly dropping the ball and Callum Wilson scoring with a clever little finish. Eddie Howe is up and running at St James’ Park and you’d have to give them a little hope of staying up now. Assuming Burnley and Sean Dyche do what they always do, who else could join Norwich in leaving the Premier League this season?

Of course, it might not even be Norwich. It might be Leeds, a team I tipped to finish 6th this season – shades of me suggesting Leicester being relegated the season they won the damn thing there. Brentford looked like they’d punched Bielsa in the gut once more until Patrick Bamford reappeared from injury off the bench and scored a late leveller. Rom? Rom? Are you watching?

If you want a striker to consistently score late equalisers, look no further than Brighton’s Neal Maupay. He followed up his midweek heroics with the goal that earned a point against ‘local’ rivals Southampton. Is it really a derby? I don’t think so and I suspect the Southampton fans agree.

Now, given that Kasper Schmeichel is quicker than Jamie Vardy chasing down a through ball when it comes to challenging a referee’s decision, does that suggest that he knew that goal should have counted? I’ll readily admit, I thought you have to have two hands on the ball ‘to be in control’ of it but the law does say one – unless, of course, it’s straight after a save or rebound. Er, like it was at Villa Park. 

VAR has generally meant the right decision is stumbled upon eventually, but in this case it seems to have got it very wrong – Michael Oliver sees a still of Schmeichel pinning the ball to the ground before he sees anything else so that’s got to be his first impression. And then, we learn, his footage doesn’t show Leicester’s captain pushing the ball out in the first movement. It’s no wonder he disallowed it with that evidence.

This season, Leicester are frighteningly bad in defence and managed to defend their first-half lead for less time than it took Oliver to decide that Jacob Ramsey’s goal was a no-go. Villa’s second was the 7th Brentan’s lot have conceded from corners this season. It’s fair to say Stevie G has made a bit of an impact. Rodgers, with each passing week, looks more likely to be fighting for his job than getting a call from United.

Up at Goodison, all is not well. After the hammering by Liverpool, rumours started swirling that some of the board had had enough of Rafa already. It was suggested an emergency meeting took place late on Saturday night to discuss the Champions League-winning gaffer’s position – yet it was Director of Football Marcel Brands who found himself unemployed on Sunday.

It’s been a while since we had a bit of a giggle at the latest transfer rumours and with January approaching fast we may as well jump right in.

Newcastle are obviously going to spend a bit of cash after Christmas and they are believed to be super-keen on Jesse Lingard, naturally, and Atletico’s England international right-back Kieran Trippier. It categorically won’t be long before Barcelona get in touch with the new owners offering them their pick of Ousmane Dembele, Philippe Coutinho or Clement Lenglet. Howe, however, would rather Burnley’s Ben Mee and James Tarkowski. Of course, he would.

If Everton do go a bit crazy and sack Benitez, they’ve got their eye on rescuing Jose Mourinho from doing another terrible job at Roma. It would appear the main requirement Everton have when recruiting is that you have to have managed Real Madrid in the past or fancy the Barcelona job in the future.

Barca have seen enough of Ferran Torres being Sergio Aguero’s replacement at City for them to want him to be Sergio Aguero’s replacement at the Camp Nou.

Finally, the rumour mill went into overdrive after RB Leipzig sacked Jesse Marsch on Sunday – Ralf’s number two in the not-too-distant with the promise of being the big man next season if Rangnick chooses not to suggest himself for the full-time gig?

The festive period must be soon upon us as we were treated to a full midweek programme of proper Premier League football. And boy, did it serve up some things for us to point the finger-of-fun at.

It would be remiss of me to start anywhere other than Old Trafford, of course. Michael Carrick remained in charge after Herr Rangnick’s work permit was delayed and United’s ex-midfielder will leave his temporary gig reputation very much intact with two wins and a draw.

Let us not let Carrick’s impressive mini-tenure distract us from the real talking point of the match, though. David de Gea and Fred are two players who certainly have endured raised eyebrows due to their performances during the Ole Gunnar Solskjaer era – even if DDG seems to have returned to his shot-stopping best this season. But, the goal conceded against Arsenal was pure comedy gold.

Fred, seemingly incapable of cleaning out any of his opponents in the middle of the park, managed to nobble his goalkeeper as a set-piece came in. De Gea, clearly thinking an Arsenal play had trodden on his little toe, hit the deck expecting a foul to be given because, you know, keepers are a protected species and if you breathe on them it is foul. DDG was rolling around on his line with his back to goal as the ball fell to Arsenal’s Emile Smith-Rowe who then shinned it towards goal from outside the area.

Of course, the ball went it – had De Gea been lying down facing the game, he could have stuck his arms out and saved it. The ref nearly gave a foul and avoided looking like a total idiot by not giving said foul. I would love to think that he quickly thought, “VAR’s got this if I am wrong” but we’ll never know as they don’t talk to us. 

Rangnick was in the stands watching the chaos – and given he is a coach that likes to mention the word ‘control’ sixteen times an interview, he would have been forgiven for thinking that the issues run deeper than expected with United. And, of course, Ronaldo – the player every armchair analyst is saying cannot play Rangnickball – bailed United out once again with the brace that got all three points.

What will it be with Ronaldo? Does he not press because he is not asked to or because he does not want to? I guess we will find out soon.

There were some glorious internet memes doing the rounds following Liverpool taking their local rivals to the cleaners in the Merseyside Derby. Shots of stewards forcing Everton fans back into the ground to watch the ritual humiliation are obviously fake but funny nonetheless.

I said last week that what is Rafa actually meant to do given the injuries and the lack of money he had to sort out a pretty ropey squad? Well, one answer is probably “don’t go two in the middle of the park against Liverpool’. Benitez, the defensive tactical mastermind, got that slightly wrong. Liverpool cruised and Mo Salah, that finish was a little bit sexy.

League leaders Chelsea were bang average against Claudio’s Watford. Sure, they won 2-1 but they needed Mason Mount to come off the bench and change the game for them. The injuries are mounting up (no pun intended) for Tuchel as Chalobah joined Kante, Chilwell and a few others on the sideline.

If Mo Salah’s finish rated high on the sex-appeal-ometer, Bernardo Silva’s volley for Man City at Villa Park was off the chart. The Portuguese is this season’s Ilkay Gundogan for Pep – by which we mean a sudden flavour of the month who has become the glue holding the team together. Stevie G reckons his Villa side had City worried. The rest of us felt City probably kept a little bit in the tank given the run of games they are about to face.

Leicester would do well to fix their defence in January if none of their proper defenders are due back from injury soon. Not many sides have conceded more than Brentan’s lot – though they do appear to have found the old James Maddison down the back of the sofa and are using him to great effect.

Neal Maupay added to the cool midweek goals list with a late leveller against West Ham at the Athletic’s Stadium. The Moysiah is on a mini-slump and will hope to see the early season form reappear sometime soon – unless it is a cunning plan to get their new Czech investor to put his hand in his pocket in the window.

Leeds got a much-needed win at home to Palace, courtesy of a late pen from Raphinha. Newcastle are very much missing a much-needed win following their 1-1 draw at home to Norwich. Eddie Howe was left scratching his head at Ciaran Clark’s brainfart leading to a 9th-minute red card. Newcastle led before Pukki got Dean Smith a point.

Finally, the less said about Wolves’ nil-nil with Burnley the better for all of us.

Whisper it quietly, but have Manchester United actually made a good decision? No, no – not sacking Ole. That’s last week’s news (but was a good decision). I’m talking about bringing in Ralf Rangnick for the rest of the season and then to stick around for a couple of years, turning Old Trafford back into a home for a football club, not a commercial business.

Rangnick’s pedigree is about taking teams from lower divisions – Hoffenheim and RB Leipzig in Germany – and moving them up to the top divisions. Anyone who has seen much of United this season can surely feel the similarities in scenario.

Credit to Michael Carrick, though – he was determined to show what he could do. It just turned out “do” was picking McFredtic to compete with Chelsea’s midfield (even if they were sin Kante). He also chose to rest/drop Ronaldo on the day he was going to be marked by someone older than him. It’s decisions that shape your career, they say.

Mind you, United’s rope-a-dope ploy very nearly got all three points. Jorginho, who you suspect rates himself very, very highly, tried to pluck one out of the sky and only managed to assist Jadon Sancho’s first-ever Premier League goal. Carrick would have got the win had Aaron Wan-Bissaka’s fall from the “best defensive right back in the world” pedestal United fans put him on continued. AWB got tricked into kicking Thiago Silva and conceding the pen.

The finest moment of the 90? The note handed to Fred as a substitution was made – if it didn’t say “next time you think of shooting, give it to Ronaldo you idiot” then there is no point bringing notes on to the pitch.

Up at the Etihad, Man City faced the double jeopardy of a West Ham side keen to put last weekend’s slip against Wolves firmly behind them and the dreaded snow. Personally, I thought it might have been another cute Moysiah ploy – hiding a yellow ball in the white stuff so that City could not have it all to themselves for 90 minutes. As good a theory as it was, City still managed to find it often enough to win the game 2-1. Also, I suspect Aaron Cresswell saw an easy way to get in the nice warm changing rooms and took it in a heartbeat.

Liverpool were in further record-breaking form at Anfield – scoring two or more once again (I can’t recall the actual record broken and you should know by now the research efforts that go into all of this) and winning a Saturday 3pm fixture for about the 50th time in a row. 4-0 was the score against Southampton who thought they might confuse King Kloppo’s men by going three at the back and, ultimately, baffling only themselves. 

On current form, Bobby Firminio might do well to let that hamstring take even longer to repair – Diogo Jota’s filling that hole more than adequately.

Arsenal continue to quietly sort themselves out. Most eyes were on Newcastle, wondering whether Eddie Howe being on the actual touchline might lead to a first win of the season. Watching Alain Saint-Maximin play as a false 11 soon answered that question, though Howe might have had a little point about Callum Wilson being barged over in the box moments before Martinelli scored a corker of a goal with his first touch.

Maybe, just maybe, the Newcastle owners have been sensibly looking into the future and noticed a promotion from the Championship on Eddie’s CV? They are going to need more than a pot of money and some refreshing training sessions to keep them up at this rate.

Steven Gerrard rarely got one over Partick Vieira when it came to winning Premier Leagues as a player, so he’ll be delighted to have seen off his former midfield rival at Selhurst Park. Palace, the side most of us (OK, me) got completely wrong preseason hadn’t been beaten at home this season until Stevie G rocked up and allowed Ashley Young to inspire them to three points. Now that’s management. 

Norwich City are suddenly looking anything but a soft touch. Granted, a 0-0 draw against a Wolves team that can find plenty of ways not to score is not often something to get too excited about but Norwich would have categorically lost that match earlier in the season. That’s three unbeaten Premier League matches in a row now – there’s at least one club in Manchester that would love that kind of form.

Everton fans were the current holders of ‘which fans are annoying me most this season’ until the final whistle went at the Amex Stadium on Saturday night. Having just seen their side dominate a game against Leeds but only walk away with a 0-0 draw, a result that saw a club that could always be in a relegation battle any day of the week sit 8th in the table, the Brighton fans booed their team off. I like Graham Potter more than I like his beard, but I think he was completely right to have a bit of a pop at them after the game. They’ll probably be calling for him to be sacked next week.

Up at Goodison, Rafa is still copping the grief for the hand he has been dealt for years of mismanagement at Everton. The Toffees lost 1-0 away to Brentford, a club run with a bit of a plan and a lot of common sense – something in short supply on the blue side of Merseyside. Sure, the football isn’t that pretty at the moment but then Benitez is without Dominic Calvert-Lewin, has only just seen Doucoure return and had to pick Alex Iwobi. Plus, it doesn’t really help if Andros Townsend dangles his foot around opposition noses in the penalty area, does it?

Jamie Vardy is still Jamie Vardying. You’d have thought Claudio Ranieri might have had a plan to stop him. Leicester have been bang average so far this season, but this was one of their more entertaining performances, beating Watford 4-2. Vardy got two identikit Vardy goals but the best of the day was James Maddison’s. Hiding behind the Watford defenders, you suspect Maddison might have shouted “keeper’s!” the way they ducked and let it run through to him. I have a lot of time for that, you scamp.

Finally, I thought they were made of stern stuff up in Burnley? Called off for a bit of snow? I can’t imagine Sean Dyche was too impressed at that news – he strikes me as the kind of PE teacher that would have made you do cross country in your pants if you’d have forgotten your kit.

It was a sad, sad day on Merseyside as well as the blue half of Manchester. At least nobody could say they didn’t see it coming. Maybe they were not expecting a 4-1 defeat at Vicarage Road, but it’s been pretty clear Ole’s grip of the wheel has become a little loose this season.

As Watford’s third and fourth went in during injury time, an emergency board meeting was called where it was agreed that Solsjkaer would be sacked and it would be called mutual consent. Personally, if he hadn’t been sacked last night, I think he should have resigned.

United were so bad that they made Watford look very, very good. Don’t forget, the Hornets also missed a penalty and had the extra difficulty of facing a United defence without Maguire for half an hour or so.

The timing of the decision shows once again where United are at in terms of decision making – an ideal candidate in Antonio Conte was allowed to put pen-to-paper at Spurs when it was as clear back then as it is now that OGS would be leaving. Why did they not move heaven and earth to snap up the Italian?

Probably because they were hoping Solskjaer could survive until the end of the season, stay in the Champions League and set the table nicely for Pochettino to take over in the summer. Best laid plans, and all that.

Instead, United have handed the interim reigns to Michael Carrick until they can persuade someone to come in for the rest of the season. We can assume it won’t be Giggsy. German Ralf Rangnick is apparently keen to caretake, allowing the club time to get Fergie to Paris to wine and dine Poch repeatedly until he signs. Wayne Rooney’s name has been mentioned as well, though you’d imagine even the Derby County gig is probably a quieter life than this one right now.

Ronaldo wants Luis Enrique, apparently, though it’s unlikely he’d want to come and sort out a big mess instead of taking Spain into another World Cup – he pretty much said as much pondering whether it was ‘April Fool’s Day?’ when asked about it. Zidane is learning English and the United board are thought to be interested but his missus isn’t that keen. Something to do with swapping Madrid for Manchester and the small increase in rainfall. Mendes wants it to be Lopetegui. With Fergie categorically wanting Pochettino, I guess we are about to learn who actually runs the club now.

Liverpool had quite a relaxing weekend, all things told. Arsenal might be much-improved and in Aaron Ramsdale, they do seem to have found a genuine heir to David Seaman (finally), but they are still a million miles off teams that might actually win the title.

Mikel Arteta seemed to be running around the touchline more than his entire midfield and it was his clash with King Klopp that really fired Liverpool up as they moved through the gears in their 4-0 win. 

Man City did what Man City do, picking a fairly random XI and refusing to let Everton play with the same ball as they strolled to a 3-0 win. Raheem Sterling, apparently keen to persuade his bosses to replace Sergio Aguero at Barcelona seeing that they won’t let him replace Sergio Aguero at Man City, scored a lovely goal just to remind us that he is still a Premier League player.

At the King Power, Chelsea pushed Brendan Rodgers further down the Old Trafford shortlist by taking Leicester apart with minimal effort. Antonio Rudiger showed why the club are much keener than he to get a new deal done. Leicester though – there won’t be any last-minute bottling of the Champions League spots this season.

Steven Gerrard had the dream start at Villa Park, especially if you class a dream start as a pretty turgid first 80 minutes and then two strikes late on to take three points. Brighton seem to be regressing to the Brighton of last season at great pace – dominating matches and managing to lose.

Dean Smith also bounced and bounced high. Norwich fell behind to Southampton and many would have expected the Canaries to pop their clogs as per usual. But, they rallied and came back to win 2-1 – increasing the pressure on everyone else around them.

Eddie Howe was unable to make it a new manager clean sweep, even from his Newcastle hotel suite. If this is the level of entertainment the St James’ faithful can expect then it will be a lot more fun at the club from now – even if the amount of wins remains the same. Brentford also cared little for the defensive fineries of the game, and 3-3 was a fair, if not unexpected result.

Mind you, if you thought that 3-3 was unlikely I’d love to know of anyone that whacked Burnley and Palace down as 3-3 on their acca. Christian Benteke was on fire scoring twice but it was Maxwel Cornet who stole the show with his reverse-angle Marco van Basten tribute.

West Ham will have spent the international break reading how good they are, how they are genuine top four contenders and how they are very, very lucky to have David Moyes. You suspect Wolves might have read the same media as they were very good value for their 1-0 win.

We’ll probably never know exactly what was said in the Spurs dressing room at halftime, but I very much doubt Antonio Conte was calmly sipping some herbal tea and telling everyone to stay calm. Tottenham were non-existent once again in their first half against Leeds, notching up yet another half without a shot on target. The second period was a little different, however – Spurs playing like a side that might have had their first glimpse of an angry Italian. Do you think he cares?

Well folks, who’d have thought it? Three managers sacked in the Premier League since we last spoke and none of them go by the name of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

Credit to Norwich and Villa – that’s how you sack a manager. Cold, clinical and most importantly – well before my deadline for this column. Tottenham, you couldn’t even get that right, could you?

It’s hard to believe that Daniel Levy ever truly thought Nuno was a good idea given that he was 9th choice and he got such a short contract. But it was a shame to see such a good man dismissed and replaced in a matter of hours.

Of course, losing 3-0 to a team as utterly rubbish as Manchester United is never a good look – but you have to wonder exactly what has changed enough for Antonio Conte to take over now rather than in the summer. Personally, I am not buying a single word of the ‘emotion’ around leaving Inter. Maybe I am cynical, but it might have a little more to do with the fact that Harry Kane is clearly going nowhere and Levy is now desperate enough to throw Conte a January war chest full of readies to go and spend on players like AC Milan’s Franck Kessie.

At least Spurs got their man, this time, which is more can be said for Newcastle United. News broke that Unai Emery was to be the new man in the St James’ Park hot-seat. Apparently, Emery beat Eddie Howe to the job. It was 99.9% done, according to the journos competing with each other to look like they broke the story – the only problem being, the leak to the press meant the deal fell apart. 

Emery, a little miffed that it was announced before a contract was signed and his team played that evening, backtracked quicker than any Newcastle midfielder this season – leaving Eddie Howe to take a seat at the Amex (he does realise the side doesn’t actually play on the South Coast, right?) putting a brave face on the fact he wasn’t the man they really wanted.

As for Daniel Farke, the joy of finally winning a Premier League match can’t have lasted long seeing he was given the bullet in the away changing room after Norwich’s 2-1 over Brentford. And Dean Smith? Well, Villa no longer have a fan in charge after he was sacked after the Friday night defeat to Southampton. Just FYI to both clubs, Neil Warnock is back on the market and very keen to add to the 1603 matches he’s done so far.

So, at the time of writing, OGS is still in paid employment. United’s battering in the Manchester Derby was as bad as it was against Liverpool a fortnight ago – had David de Gea not thrown himself back to the era when he was possibly the best in the world, United could have been six down at half-time. De Gea, amongst all his amazing saves, still found time to throw one in, competing with Eric Bailly for the most comical goal of the match. 

For all United fans still not quite sure where they sit in the football world right now – remember this. Had City and Liverpool chosen to keep going rather than rest their legs, both could have scored eight, nine or even ten against you. But hey, Ronaldo eh? He’ll sell some shirts, that boy.

Chelsea ended the weekend still top-of-the-tree despite failing to see off Burnley at Stamford Bridge. Tommy T’s men had nearly 30 shots at goal and managed to score once. Dyche’s lot – well they needed little of the ball and very few chances to get their solitary goal. A fine point in the context of the weekend, really.

Liverpool’s unbeaten record ended at the hands of the 1000-up Moysiah at the Athletic’s Stadium. Alisson had one of those moments punching a corner into his own net before predictably suggesting he was fouled. Liverpool looked shaky as (again) in defence meaning West Ham are now above them in the Premier League table. Mind you, slip or no slip, Aaron Cresswell should have gone for his foul on Jordan Henderson. Just ask Mason Holgate.

Up at Everton, Conte’s league era got underway much in the same way Nuno’s ended – an anonymous Harry Kane, no shots on target and, obviously, no goals. It could have been worse had VAR not insisted Everton’s penalty got overturned. Mind you, Richarlison spends so long on the floor it is hard to know whether he’s ever actually been touched or not. VAR was not Rafa’s friend as Holgate’s yellow was upgraded to red after they realised he’d taken someone out two-footed above the knees. Still, not a red in East London, apparently.

If Leeds had just kept their legs shut for another minute, they might have got another win. Bielsa’s boys led 1-0 against Leicester before conceding immediately after the restart – is it just me, or is that happening a lot more this season? The point keeps them three away from the drop zone, just above managerless Villa. Oh, John Terry for that gig anyone?

Crystal Palace’s evolution into being a decent to watch, unlikely to actually go down football team continued with a fine 2-0 win over Wolves, a victory that owed as much to VAR as it did to Wilf Zaha et al. That Conor Gallagher, there will be a bun-fight for him in the summer, that’s for sure.

Arsenal are up to 5th after Emile Smith-Rowe managed to score a goal that was not ruled out for offside against Watford. Arteta has now managed 100 games for Arsenal and probably deserves this mini-break from being close to the exit door.

And we leave it here, pondering whether the next time we speak Frank Lampard and John Terry might be Premier League managers. Solksjaer will be, naturally – that guy seems to be fireproof.

Folks, as we slide into November’s DMs it is the time of year where I typically owe a few football clubs an apology. Already, a mere 10 matches into the Premier League season, there’s a bit of a list – so Crystal Palace, Leeds, Tottenham and more, humble pie is being served hot or cold. It is your choice.

All the pre-match statistical chatter was around how Peppy G had managed to win something like 286 of his first 199 Premier League matches. Of course, that is mathematically impossible – but the way people were talking up his first 199 outings with a win % that has absolutely no correlation to the amount of money spent, you kinda knew what was about to happen when Palace took to the field.

Ah yes, apologies. I might have suggested that Vieira might challenge Frank de Boer in terms of short Selhurst Park stays and it would appear I’m a little wide of the mark on this one. Vieira is now being talked up as the heir to Pep’s throne following their 2-0 win at the Etihad. Sure, it helps when Aymeric Laporte manages to increase the difficulty of the task ahead – getting a red card on the halfway line for dragging someone down. We’ve all seen Palace score hundreds of goals, running in behind from the halfway line, rounding the keeper and tucking home, haven’t we? Yes, a definite goal-scoring opportunity.

Either way, Palace deserved their win – sure, City had a goal disallowed as well and Ederson will still be wondering how Zaha’s bobbler with his left went in but Palace were good value for all three points. One of the biggest questions post-match was how on Earth Chelsea will find space for Conor Gallagher next season?

Crisis rarely hangs around too long in football as the baton is often passed along quite quickly. And so, at Tottenham’s wonderful ground which has basically cost them having a decent team, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer mixed it up and came up with a winning combination against Spurs. The answer was going with a 70-year-old strikeforce, duh.

Ronaldo and Cavani schooled Tottenham’s backline and Harry Kane successfully played Harry Maguire back into a bit of form. Nuno is on borrowed time at the Lane – taking off your brightest attacking spark when 2-0 down is never going to go down well with fans that still buy into the whole ‘to dare is to do’ guff. And Spurs fans, you are the second apology as pillorised Levy for not sorting Nuno out with the gig earlier when it was clear the likes of Conte weren’t coming. I’ve said it before, I know nothing. Nothing!

Graham Potter magicked up a comeback at Anfield, seeing his Brighton team turn over a 2-0 deficit and leave Liverpool’s gaff with a point. If Spurs and United are still mulling over their managerial options, they really couldn’t do much better than offering Potter the next rung on his career ladder. Liverpool didn’t look perfect at the back at Old Trafford – it’s amazing how scoring five can paper over some cracks – and Brighton took full advantage.

Getting rid of Steve Bruce has certainly helped life at St James’ Park. Newcastle held out for over half a game before Chelsea took complete and utter control, their right-back scoring twice to become their leading Premier League scorer. Their second top scorer? Yeah, their left-back. Chelsea still top the table and yet nobody is really talking about them.

Arsenal earn the third apology – it is possible I judged them a little too early and might have laughed a little too hard at them paying all that money on Aaron Ramsdale. They blew a Leicester side, clearly thinking about the extra hour in bed they were getting later, out of the water in the first 15 minutes at the King Power and then were grateful to their keeper for keeping them at bay. Ramsdale made save after save and it does feel like something is coming together for Arteta now.

Sean Dyche has been at Burnley for nine years now. Nine years – people get less for armed robbery. In something that is absolutely 100% not a publicity stunt, the club announced that a former NFL player has bought a stake in the club, a guy also keen to pass on his knowledge of how to win. Well, whatever he said worked as Burnley notched up their first win of the Premier League season and Maxwel Cornet is the current holder of the “must be the best signing of the season, surely?” award – previously held by Demarai Gray.

Claudio Ranieri was disappointed to see Southampton beat his Watford side 1-0 at Vicarage Road. The Saints had one shot on target and one was all they needed – Che Adams curling it top bins to take the points. Ranieri was brought in to provide stability – well, the club have been bobbins, brilliant and now mediocre in his three outings so far. Mind you, the last time he lost to the South Coast side he got the boot from Leicester. You’d think that isn’t going to happen this time but, you know, Watford and all that.

Norwich’s statement in the press midweek carried more punch than their performance against Leeds. The Canaries started a run of matches against teams they really need to win pretty poorly as a very average showing from Bielsa’s lot ended in their first away win of the campaign. Mind you, I can’t see many sides staying up with Teemu Pukki and Kieron Dowell as their front pair.

The David Cameron derby certainly cranked up the pressure on Dean Smith. Dropping the skipper, Tyrone Mings, and being without Danny Ings didn’t have the desired outcome even if Ollie Watkins remembered where the back of the net was. West Ham were decent – Villa were not and it looked like VAR sent the wrong centre-back off. Hause gave Benrahma a proper elbow before Konza brought down Jarrod Bowen, only left-footed and going to his right – goal-scoring opportunity, you say? There was definitely a red in there somewhere, just the wrong player got it.

West Ham well and truly fourth – maybe Spurs should try and tempt the Moysiah?

“To never really be wanted, to feel that people wanted me to fail, to read people constantly saying I would fail, that I was useless, a fat waste of space, a stupid, tactically inept cabbage-head or whatever. And it was from day one.”

Steve, my dear fellow, we’ve all felt like that. Last week was the week that the career of Steve Bruce came to an end as the new Newcastle board decided they wanted a failed Luton Town manager to guide them through the next three matches rather than endure another minute of Bruceyball.

Bruce exits stage left, leaving us with one of the finest post-sacking quotes ever uttered – whilst totting up the millions he will have been paid off. If he’s got any sense, he’ll be off to a Las Vegas Casino and putting a smile back on that lovely non-cabbage-based face of his.

We’ll get on to how the Magpies got on against Palace as we have several more interesting things to get through before that.

It was a quiet afternoon at Old Trafford, for example. Four Liverpool players pouncing on Pogba to create their 5th against United was the picture-postcard of the two clubs in this current Premier League era. Pogba came on at half-time to try and stop United getting further embarrassed. Pogba was sent off in the 61st minute. Was it wrong to smirk when Ronaldo’s “consolation” (if there can be such a thing when you are 5-0 down at home to your biggest rivals in 50 minutes) was disallowed by VAR? Probably, but still.

Mo Salah helped himself to another hat-trick, making Luke Shaw and Harry Maguire look like they’d be better off in Norwich’s defence than United’s. £80m on United’s captain doesn’t look like the best money spent right now. When Harry met Salah, the perfect Sunday evening movie especially around Halloween.

Ole Gunnar Solsjkaer has to be on borrowed time now, surely. Especially now Steve Bruce is available. Surely he cannot survive losing 6-1 to Spurs at home last season and then this against Liverpool? October is a month to avoid at OT, you’d think. Still, you have to applaud him for going to five at the back in an effort to preserve their 5-0 deficit. Manchester United – the absolute opposite of a team greater than the sum of its parts.

Several Chelsea fans were concerned heading into the Norwich match minus Romelu Lukaku (no goal in ages) and Timo Werner (hardly prolific since he joined). Naturally, the Blues clicked into gear and stuck 7 (SEVEN) past the Canaries who, after two clean sheets in a row ahead of their trip to the Bridge, looked like rabbits in Mason Mount’s headlights.

Mount helped himself to three and Ben Chilwell showed both Lukaku and Werner how it is done with yet another goal. Even Callum Hudson-Odoi, a player who Tuchel is hoping can put in another 249 decent performances in a row now, played and scored.

Peppy G’s lot were equally classy, given they were playing a team that won’t be finishing bottom of the table in Brighton. City went south and won 4-1, racing into a three-goal lead at half-time. Credit to Potter’s team, though. They had a real go themselves but weren’t helped by a bad day in the goalkeeping office for Robbie Sanchez.

At Selhurst Park, Graeme Jones’ Newcastle were so bad even Christian Benteke scored. Fortunately for the new owners, they do have a decent striker in Callum Wilson who levelled things up with a proper overhead kick. Possibly the best performance of the match came from the Palace fans, though – with that banner.

Things are coming together much quicker for Wolves than Leeds this season, but El Loco’s men got a late equaliser from the spot to keep them out of the relegation zone. Could Wolves end up being best of the rest this season?

Not if a resurgent Arsenal have anything to do with it. It’s only fair to give Arteta a bit of praise given how much he gets kicked when Arsenal lose – they were very good against Villa and reminded us of a very clear Premier League fact; no matter how good a leader Tyrone Mings is, it does not hide from the fact he is not an international class central defender.

West Ham continue to look like the second-best team in London. Fresh from another win and clean sheet in Europe, David Moyes’ men outplayed Spurs and fully deserved their 1-0 win. Harry Kane was close enough to Michail Antonio’s winner to fully appreciate the predatory instincts – but maybe he could have tried stopping him?

Brentford put on another good home show but came away beaten for the second game in a row at their shiny new stadium. Youri Tielemans thunderclapped home the opener before James Maddison nicked the winner for an ever-improving Leicester.

Villa look a little bit lost under Dean Smith right now in the post-Grealish era. A lot of money has been spent replacing their former skipper and it’s all feeling a bit washed down the sink at the moment. Danny Ings might have scored a couple so far, but if you’re going to play him in central midfield he won’t score many more.

Chelsea’s U23s got a fine point at home to Burnley who, equally crazily, saw their Ivory Coast international score twice. Football has changed, right? Livramento and Broja, both formerly of the Chelsea parish, scored Southampton’s goals leaving Sean Dyche wondering what might have been had they bought a couple more like Maxwel Cornet in the summer window.

The biggest shock of the weekend came up at Goodison Park. Here’s the deal, Rafa. People will accept the unadventurous football most of the time because you tend to keep it out of your own net pretty well. But losing 5-2 at home to Watford? That’s only going to remind people you used to manage another club in the area, isn’t it?

EVERYONE! Jurgey-lad would like to know if there is any better footballer in the world right now than Mo Salah. I spent a little time thumbing through the lists and, being honest, I’m struggling. Messi? Early retirement in Paris, last I heard. Ronaldo? Last seen storming down another tunnel after a United defeat. Kevin de Bruyne? Come back when you’ve won the Champions League, my friend.

King Klopp has been on fire with his very-quotable statements in the last seven days but this one actually makes sense. Pound for pound, it has to be Salah right now which is probably why Liverpool could cash in on him rather than pay him what the best footballer in the world tends to be paid in this day and age. Salah scored yet another worldy – albeit against Watford – and the goal managed to overshadow Bobby Firmino getting a hat-trick and Sadio Mane getting his 100th Premier League goal.

Watford brought Claudio Ranieri in to prevent them going down and if his cunning plan is to play Danny Rose in a back three then I am even more worried for the Hornets than I was a week ago.

At what point do we start to think that Ole Gunnar might have had long enough to come up with a coherent game plan for Manchester United? If I am being kind, possibly kinder than Paul Pogba, I could make a case for having too many attacking talents and therefore getting blinded by choice. But that’s rubbish really, isn’t it?

United fans might just about to be able to stomach the fact that City and Liverpool have better managers than them, Chelsea too – but Leicester? Brendan Rodgers has been linked, and distanced himself, from the chatter at Newcastle but if United are thinking that a change is needed then they need to be considering Rodgers – if he can sort out the last eight games of a season, he is a winner and, clearly, United have issues with more than the final eight games of a campaign.

Leicester’s win was won of the best Premier League matches in recent memory – classic goals, great saves and a central defender falling flat on his backside gifting the opposition a goal. In all fairness, the Foxes could and should have had seven. United did not really deserve their two, especially after committing the cardinal sin of conceding less than a minute after scoring.

Paul Pogba gave a blunt interview post-match summing up the issues he saw whilst, bizarrely naming each of the issues that he has been the poster boy for over the last few seasons. Needless to say, Solskajer didn’t agree and felt that United do not need to be more mature and stopped before it became a press conference game of ‘you grow up, no you grow up’.

The party atmosphere at Newcastle didn’t last very long, did it? Putting the unfortunate illness in the stands to one side, of course, two minutes into the game it felt like an entirely new era at St James’ Park. By the belated half time, not so much.

Steve Bruce came out fighting during the week, like someone who had a big birthday party being overshadowed by someone’s engagement announcement. “But it’s 1000 games, respect me” was very much the vibe as many silently noted, “but what have you actually achieved in those 1000 games, Steve?” Still, at the time of writing he’s still the manager of his hometown club. At the time of reading might be an entirely different scenario.

Harry Kane finally scored a Premier League goal again as Newcastle’s new owners were left with very little doubt that £200m in January probably won’t be enough. Jonjo Shelvey, I’m guessing, is as much part of the plans as Bruce himself. Eric Dier managed to take this weekend’s calamity award, inexplicably making the last five minutes way more stressful than they needed to be. Yet, neither Bruce, Shelvey or Dier was the biggest idiot on the day – that award went to the Newcastle fan screaming at Bruce to get “Gayley” on with cries of “you don’t know what you’re doing!” and “Brucey out”. Newcastle had, by this point, made all their subs – and they say Newcastle fans deserve better times?

Brentford absolutely battered Chelsea in the last 25 minutes of their clash. The only problem was, they kept hitting the post and finding Eddie Mendy in the way who was, frankly, ridiculous. Romelu Lukaku has now gone six matches without a goal but that won’t worry Tommy T too much as his side top the pile.

Raheem Sterling mentioned in the press that if he doesn’t get more games at City then he might have to leave – forcing Peppy G to pick him for the big one, Burnley at home. Sterling kinda played, but City didn’t hit their heady heights – not that they needed to to beat Sean Dyche’s lot. City normally win this one 5-0, so I guess a 2-0 defeat is progress for Dyche.

Ralph Hassenhuttl had warned that fans could not expect a 5-star dinner versus Leeds but turned up dressed for one just in case. Leeds were always going to struggle without Bamford, Phillips and Raphinha and struggle they did – Armando Broja scoring the winner for the Saints.

There was a lovely little derby day comeback from Wolves, beating Villa 3-2 having been 2-0 down. Dean Smith criticised Villa’s game management – you don’t say, Dean?

Norwich picked up their second point of the season and could have had all three had Josh Sargent chosen to kick the ball harder than the effort of a three-year-old against Brighton. Potter’s men should have had a penalty too and, here’s a sentence I didn’t expect to be writing in October, missed out on finishing the weekend level with City – mind you, they are still in the Champions League places so it’s not all doom and gloom.

I don’t think I am alone in believing Everton did not deserve anything from their match with West Ham purely for what Jordan Pickford was wearing. Short-sleeved and multi-coloured, it is quite possible the kit designer was having a USA 94 moment. Oh, Ogbonna scored the winner for the Hammers. They really are quite good, you know?

Well, it is not often I open a column with the blaring statement of “thank goodness for Newcastle United”, I can tell you.

Just in case we were starting to miss international football just a little bit too much, UEFA felt compelled to treat us to such delights like the Nations League final stages (woo) and Andorra vs England (double woo). The weekend provided us with a fairly standard World Cup Qualifying evening as England breezed past the Andorrans, Scotland won with plenty of drama and Northern Ireland reverted very much to their mean and failure. Throw in Wales’ goalkeeper doing something utterly hilarious and all was normal.

Not that anyone in the football world actually noticed, oh no. Everyone outside of the city of Newcastle was up in arms at the news of Mike Ashley finally handing over the club to new owners. Legally, we have to make it very, very clear that Newcastle United have not been taken over by the Saudi Arabian royal family, OK? The club is now owned, mainly, by an investment fund set up by, er, the Saudi Arabian royal family.

Naturally, many people inside football and out have suddenly discovered a moral backbone and are shouting their disgust that a football club can be owned by people with a track record of human rights issues – and no, we are not talking about Sports Direct here, he’s sold up (do keep up). 

The same people are surprised that the Premier League have suddenly changed their stance on the takeover – a shift that has absolutely nothing to do with a sheikh being mates with Boris and calling in a favour, you understand. 

“How can a country with a dubious record of atrocities abroad be involved in the beautiful game?” people are crying. “Surely this is sportswashing or something?” without fully grasping the fact that you could make a strong argument for the Premier League being that itself. It has even got Newcastle fans asking themselves some very big questions – mainly, “who will the new manager be?”

Rumours that the Saudis asked Amanda Stavely to find them a new castle to buy and are now fuming that they’ve been landed with a very average football team are completely untrue, as are the vast majority of the transfer rumours now doing the rounds.

A penny for the thoughts of Steve Bruce? Well, he’ll get more than a penny for them with an £8m golden goodbye being lined up and probably delivered by the time you read this. Graeme Jones will look after the team, hopefully in a better manner than he looked after Luton Town, before a high-profile boss gets an oil tanker full of cash thrown in his direction to take over.

Rafa Benitez has already ruled himself out, perfectly happy at another club that has/had more money than sense. Some Newcastle fans are calling for Antonio Conte, the first sign that a wad of moolah means they don’t care that much about “entertaining football”. Others are suggesting Eddie Howe would be great – forgetting that when Bournemouth started to spend money on his watch they got relegated. Mind you, Howe is probably waiting for the Southampton job as he doesn’t like going too far away from home. The most sensible name being linked so far is Graham Potter, though you have to wonder how long it is before Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard are in the mix. Has anyone got Zidane’s number?

A new manager is one thing, getting the right players in January is another and thanks to Ashley’s frugal approach to club management, Newcastle could be able to spend £200m in the next window and not break any financial fair play rules.

Therefore, every player that didn’t get a move in the summer is now being linked to St James’ Park – step forward Jesse Lingard, Kalidou Koulibaly, James Tarkowski, Mauro Icardi, Aaron Ramsey, Gareth Bale and, of course, Philippe Coutinho. Others are suggesting Harry Kane and Kylian Mbappe are within reach. Hell, why not get both?

Having the money to spend is one thing – spending it wisely is another, isn’t that right Everton, West Ham (under the Icelandic lot), Leeds (hello Mr Risdale) and Mr Ed?

Anyone who thought Ashley might now be done with football, think again. He’s got his eyes on the Championship version of the House of Fraser, Derby County. 

In non-Newcastle news, Bruno Fernandes is currently tapping up Leeds’ Raphinha as they are best mates and hey, United don’t have enough wide attacking types.

He might be better off trying to find a friend at Barcelona and grease the wheels for Danny van der Beek to move there as, apparently, there’s interest from the Catalans. Again, I wish I was as broke as Barcelona.

Ronaldo would like United to sign Juve wideman Enrico Chiesa which can only mean one thing. United will sign Juve wideman Enrico Chiesa.

Well, folks – who had seven matches in the First Manager To Get Sacked This Season Sweepstake? Before the season actually started many of us might have looked at Xisco at Watford and felt he might need to get at least a couple of wins and a draw from the first seven games to stay in the Vicarage Road hot seat and that is exactly what he did. It wasn’t enough though, eh?

The Watford board, like they ever need an excuse to sack a manager in the Premier League, cited “a negative trend in performances” and seem to have Claudio Ranieri lined up to take over – leaving me frantically searching to see if any Premier League-winning managers have ever got relegated.

Also, who knew that it’s harder to get a second yellow card after the age of 35 than it is for of the rest of the football world? Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s lovely that James Milner is still a valued part of the Liverpool squad and his versatility puts him right up there with Phil Neville for me. But at any level, any day of the week, no matter which way you look at it, that was a second yellow. Not even a soft second yellow, Just a clear and obvious yellow. 

Obviously, after such a crucial moment, Liverpool went up the other end and Salah scored one of the Premier League goals. Many sides would have lost it at that point, but not Peppy G’s lot. KDB found another equaliser and City left with a point. Maybe the team motivation comes from the threat of having to wear the same sweatshirt Pep dons every single week? I think most people would keep going with that punishment hanging over them. Mind you, I’d give it to Joao Cancelo anyway after that bit of defending.

Up at Old Trafford, Rafa Benitez was smiling like a Cheshire cat having seen his Everton side nick a point whilst inflicting further damage to the reputation of Fred.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer blamed a “lack of cutting edge” (having left Pogba and Ronaldo on the bench) when what he should have come out and said was “if a strong wind hadn’t blown Fred over, we’d have won”. The Brazilian had two opportunities to stop Demarai Gray breaking away from a United set-piece yet ended up backside firmly inserted in Manchester turf as Gray found Doucoure who found Andros Townsend who, amazingly, declined to cut back on to his left and drilled a right-footed effort past the statue-esque De Gea.

Still, at least the United fans got to see the Ronaldo celebration again – Townsend going to great lengths to explain his copycat effort was in tribute and not to mock. 

Bruno Fernandes thinks United need to change something – I suspect there is a growing agreement in the boardroom.

One of the bigger existential questions of the weekend was – if James Ward-Prowse had not got himself sent off, would we be talking about a Chelsea crisis? Southampton (plus VAR) were looking good for a point at the Bridge until their skipper went flying through the little legs of Jorginho. From there, Chelsea got going and even Timo Werner managed to get a goal allowed. Incredibly, the German has had 16 goals disallowed by VAR since joining the club yet still felt compelled to wheel away in celebration as if the fact he was clearly onside guaranteed it would be given.

England left-back Ben Chilwell was back in the side and will hope that Tommy T focuses more on his volleyed goal than his oh-so-clumsy foul on Tino Livramento that gifted Southampton an equaliser from the spot.

Oh, and for the record, the other question floating around my mind was whether Romelu Lukaku has made Chelsea worse not better – but we can save that for another time.

Mikel Arteta gratefully accepted “a point gained” as Arsenal were outplayed by Brighton for the majority of their 0-0 draw. Arteta can be grateful to Aaron Ramsdale, a goalkeeper that can only be termed “never knowingly dull”.

Spurs, very much knowingly dull in the post-Poch era, beat Aston Villa 2-1 thanks to Sonny putting in a decent second-half display. It turns out that scoring a treble against some European minnows doesn’t mean that Harry Kane is bang back in form – maybe he is being distracted by his new toilet roll and toothpaste company?

It’s 400 up for Sean Dyche – no, not fouls they committed in their attempts to bully poor little Norwich off the pitch but games managed for Burnley. It was a first point of the season for Daniel Farke and Burnley’s winless Turf Moor streak continues apace. 

Leeds finally managed to get a win – beating Watford 1-0 which led to the aforementioned Xisco getting the bullet. Would Leeds have fired Bielsa had they gone seven without a win? No, but then they are not run by crazy men. Consistent crazy men, admittedly, but crazy nonetheless.

Patrick Vieira seems to be adapting to life at Crystal Palace and is getting the hang of substitutes. Having seen Edouard come on and score two off the bench against Spurs the other week, Vieira repeated the trick when 2-0 to Leicester. Michael Olise and Jeffrey Schlupp were thrown on and both found the back of the net cancelling out yet another Jamie Vardy goal and a birthday strike from Iheanacho.

There is no finer club than West Ham when it comes to bursting their own bubble. Everyone’s been getting a bit West Ham happy in recent weeks and this is not suggesting that the Moysiah is not doing a fine job. But, Wissa wizzed in an injury-time winner for Brentford and the Bees are very much creating their very own Premier League buzz.

You learn something new every day, they say. I’ve learned that Wolves’ new goalscoring South Korean Hwang is nicknamed the Bull. I would love to believe that formed some of the recruitment conversations over the summer. “Guys, we are struggling to score goals. Obviously, we can’t get Steve Bull out of retirement but do we know of any strikers that might play like him? What’s that? His nickname is the bull? Tell me more….”

Hwang scored twice against Newcastle and Wolves’ revival is in full flow. On the other side of the fence, Joelinton is surely Mike Ashley showing the fans what happens if he actually spends big money. The hapless number nine who is not a nine (any more or ever) is surely trying to find fame as the worst Premier League player of all time.

Fear not though Newcastle fans – you won’t have any managerial upheaval as Ashley refuses to pay Bruce off to the tune of £3m to leave.

Oh, Thomas. You didn’t really think you could try the exact same approach four times in a row and Peppy G wouldn’t have finally come up with a plan to stop you?

In the biggest Premier League clash of the season since, well, last week probably, Man City grabbed one of those more-convincing-than-the-score-suggests type of victories beating Chelsea 1-0 at the Bridge.

Tommy T admitted that City deserved their win and they most certainly did – carving Chelsea open several times but only scoring once through Gabby Jesus. The victory ends Tuchel’s brief hoodoo hold over Guardiola and probably suggests that all the people jumping on the Chelsea-for-the-title bandwagon might have bought their ticket a little prematurely.

The win means Pep has more wins than any other City manager in history. It’s almost as if that has coincided with City having more money than they’ve ever had in their history.

I think we can all assume that Bruno won’t be on penalties next week, then. Mind you, that could all depend on who the new Man United manager is by then. Too soon? Surely Ole doesn’t have too many more home defeats left in the bank before the board think that there might be better-qualified people to turn this collection of highly-paid and sometimes highly-talented footballers into an actual team?

Solsjkaer said himself in a somewhat rhetorical manner, “that’s going to be the headline, isn’t it?” after Fernandes decided to abandon his previously almost faultless routine of hop-skip-jump-stroke-it-home (21 out of 22 for United, stats fans) and choosing to stick his laces through it. OGS had had a bit of a pre-match moan about United not getting as many penalties as they deserve in recent months – the moan worked but would have worked better had they actually scored it.

Was Bruno distracted by some classic gamesmanship from Emi Martinez? You’d hope so, really.

I’ll tell you this for nothing, I don’t rate Harry Kane as a left-back. I don’t really rate him much higher as a midfielder. Arsenal sped to a 2-0 lead in the north London derby when Kane sped back to tackle Bakayo Saka in the area – that didn’t go too well as the Arsenal man emerged with the ball and scored the third of the early evening.

Tottenham were, frankly, dreadful but Nuno will have been delighted that bringing on a right-back and a defensive midfielder at half-time impacted the game well enough that Spurs won the second-half 1-0. Aaron Ramsdale gave Arsenal fans an early glimpse of his talent, palming Son’s consolation into the far corner.

Nuno’s honeymoon period is definitely over with Daniel Levy probably going through their marriage vows to see if “I do” really does mean “I do”.

You don’t often get to see Virgil van Dijk a little bit rattled. A round of applause to Brentford’s Ivan Toney who ended up being passed on to Joel Matip by VVD who realised his ego might be getting slightly bruised.

There is no doubt that Brentford’s humdinger with Liverpool was the best action of the weekend – and it saw Mo Salah notch his 100th Premier League goal for Liverpool. Personally, I thought Mo had already done this a few weeks ago. Or was that Mane? I really should keep notes. Either way, both teams attacked like their lives depended on it and Liverpool would have won had it not been for the save of the decade (for me) by David Raya.

Jamie Vardy scored the imperfect hat-trick as Leicester drew 2-2 with Burnley. Vardy flicked a header home at the near post to open the scoring – unfortunately, it flew past Kasper Schmeichel and not Nick Pope. He soon made up for it though, scoring twice at the right end to keep Burnley from winning yet. Sean Dyche had a moan about Leicester’s second and the fact that Burnley had another later ‘winner’ ruled out by VAR. Burnley don’t win and Dyche has a moan – a normal Saturday for those of that persuasion.

Ozan Kabak was ruled not good enough for Liverpool but that would make him good enough for Norwich, no? Er, actually, no. Kabak was hapless once more as Norwich’s defeat to Everton gave them the honour of the worst-ever Premier League start in history – despite all their “clever recruitment” that arm-chair analysts nodding with approval this summer.

Everton – now that is a clever strategy. Keep signing ex-Champions League-winning managers in the hope that one works and arm them with hilariously cheap signings like Demarai Gray and Andros Townsend. It was Townsend who got this little victory parade underway, scoring from the spot after Kabak impaled his studs into his opponent’s thigh.

All that cycling must have given Ben Foster chocolate-wrists. Newcastle have actually scored some decent looking goals this season and when Sean Longstaff smashed one from distance it looked like another for the showreel. On reflection, Foster probably should have stopped it if his wrists hadn’t suddenly disappeared. Steve Bruce’s clash with Watford was more Aussie Rules than EPL. Jarred Gillett being the first ref from abroad to officiate in the Premier League will have felt right at home.

An understated question from the weekend is whether Leeds will be OK? This is the longest Marcelo Bielsa has ever been at a club and the longest he has ever gone without spontaneously combusting so surely it is now officially a ticking timebomb? 

West Ham came back to beat Leeds 2-1 at Elland Road, Michail Antonio scoring the winner – many felt, understandably, that the striker shouldn’t have been on the pitch following his clash with Meslier which left the keeper bloodied and needing a change of shirt.

The same experts that were tipping Chelsea for the title also expected Leeds to push on to bigger things this season – they certainly didn’t think it would be West Ham raising their own bar.

One of the nicer moments of the Premier League weekend came at St. Mary’s where Raul Jiminez finally scored his first goal since that head injury against Arsenal. I, for one, truly hoped he’d remove his headband in a “taking your shirt off” kind of manner and get booked. I was left disappointed but pleased to see him find the net, of course.

Football woke up to some sad news on Sunday morning following the death of Jimmy Greaves, the former footballer-turned-broadcaster. As someone, as a child, who was inspired by Greaves’ wit and tongue-in-cheek, “let’s not take all this so seriously” delivery on TV, his passing immediately takes me back to a time when football was just a little more fun and we didn’t take everything as seriously as we do today.

Whilst I am quietly confident England’s finest ever goalscorer never read Tales, I would like to think he would have approved of the sentiment behind it. And with that, this one is for the late, great Jimmy Greaves.

Sadly for Spurs, it wasn’t really one for the occasion. Even the great Greavsie would have struggled to get on their scoresheet given the lack of chances created by the home side against Chelsea. Mind you, having played for both, Greaves might have fancied playing off Lukaku. Chelsea won 3-0 and they were good for it.

That’s back to back 3-0 defeats for Tottenham. Harry Kane to sign a new contract? Not likely.

Things that were 100% going to happen at the Athletics Stadium on Sunday. Number one: Ronaldo was going to score. Number two: So was Jesse Lingard. Number three: David de Gea, having never saved a penalty in his life was always going to break the heart of Mark Noble, West Ham through and through.

Did we not learn anything from sending on the two subs to take penalties in the Euro 2020 Final? Yes, yes – it’s great in theory but surely the evidence now suggests it is not as easy as just stripping off, stepping up and banging it home. Goalies, sure – throw them on. Their entire game is based around keeping the ball out of the net. How many times does Noble take a penalty per match? Exactly.

United, yet again, came from behind away from home to win a Premier League match – and even with the VAR refusing to award them two pretty clear and obvious penalties that the referee, clearly keen to keep the match alive, chose not to award. Mind you, I still need convincing that West Ham shouldn’t have had one in the first half as well – that would have finished Aaron Wan-Bissaka’s week off well.

United in a title race? Let’s see how good they are against a top team before we answer that, shall we?

I think we can assume that Peppy G won’t be attending any fan functions in the near future. Guardiola urged Man City fans to turn out in number for the Southampton match – a plea that had nothing to do with the unsold tickets at the Emptyhad for the midweek nine-goal thriller with RB Leipzig in the Champions League, alright?

It is hard for these City fans nowadays – all these trips to Wembley, all these midweek clashes going deep (but not quite deep enough, eh?) in the Champions League etc. It all adds up and following a top-level club is quite the investment in the modern game. Are we reaching a point where the group stages of the European competition is becoming a little bit Carabao Cup to some fans? Quite possibly. Now, if only someone could come up with a new idea that might get the fans so excited they could turn out once in a while. Lower ticket prices? Don’t be silly – I think the moneymen are more focused on finding a clever way to restart the ESL thing. Mind you, City were advertising very cheap tickets on a student discount site last week in the hope to get the house full in the future.

Those that did turn out to watch the Southampton game will have left disappointed – nine goals in midweek and barely the sight of one at the weekend. Don’t forget, Pep and the boys were ‘tired’ and only had ‘ten minutes to prepare’ whereas Hassenhuttl, virtue of just not being as damn good as City, had the luxury of a whole week.

The Saints earned their point manfully and could well have taken all three back to the South Coast had VAR not suggested a second looksie at Kyle Walker’s tackle which had led to a penalty and a red card for the England international. Was it a penalty and a red? No, probably not. But was it a clear and obvious error? Equally, no sir – and Southampton should have been allowed to take their penalty and see Pep combust thoroughly on the sidelines.

Sean Dyche, fresh with a new contract ensuring 442 and direct aerial bombardment will the menu del dia for at least the next four years on Turf Moor, also had a bit of a VAR gripe following their loss to Arsenal. The Gunners led through Martin Odegaard’s curling free-kick when it looked like Aaron Ramsdale had conceded a penalty clipping Vydra in the area – following a delightfully threaded through-ball by £50m ball-playing defender Ben White.

The video showed that Ramsdale, as he had gently pointed out, had touched the ball first – Dyche admitted he had seen there was a touch and that “in theory, it doesn’t get given” in the tone of a man not completely believing what he is saying and actually thinking that the penalty should have very much been given.

Fans often sing “can we play you every week” and it would be no great surprise to learn that Sadio Mane was humming the tune at Anfield after he scored against Crystal Palace for the ninth consecutive match. Nobody else has ever scored that many goals against one team in a row in the Premier League (and I haven’t been bothered to check whether such a record existed before football started in 1992). It was also Mane’s 100th Liverpool strike in all competitions. Patrick Vieira was mainly disappointed that all three Liverpool goals came from set-pieces, though that sweeping statement would do an injustice to the quality of Salah and Keita’s strikes.

Right now, there appear to be more leaks at Newcastle than in a sieve. Ahead of their match against Leeds, we learned that coach Graeme Jones had fallen out with Dwight Gayle. The fans still would like Steve Bruce to pack up and go but against all odds, the team took a point from Marcelo Bielsa’s Leeds thanks to Saint Max scoring a lovely little equaliser. Rumours suggest the mole is…. Rebekah Vardy. No, I am joking, People are suggesting it is Steve Bruce himself.

Everton could have kept pace with the early table-toppers had they got a win at Villa Park but it was a stunning second-half performance from the Villa that led to them winning 3-0. Leon Bailey only needed to be on the pitch 20 minutes to earn a place in the hearts of the Holte End, larruping one past Begovic and pulling his thigh in the process.

Not many would have had money on Brighton being higher than City in the table after five matches. But, there you go. Football is a funny old game, someone once said. Jamie Vardy might have got his 150th Leicester goal but it was in a losing cause. Brighton won 2-1 and will do well to continue getting points in the bag ahead of playing some of the bigger sides in the Premier League very soon. I’m not saying they are in a false position, but they’ve had a somewhat friendly start to the season fixtures-wise.

Norwich will have looked at their tough start and possibly thought that a home match versus Watford was the moment for their season to get going. Unfortunately, nobody told Watford who Sarr their way to a 3-1 win courtesy of a brace from, ahem, Sarr.

Thomas Frank made quite a salient point when challenged on Brentford’s perceived timewasting in the second half of their 2-0 win over Wolves. “What would he do if he was a newly promoted team with a tenth of the budget, just a bus stop in Hounslow and down to ten men? If I was him, I’d be looking at the first half”. It’s a fair point well made – Brentford is little more than a bus stop in Hounslow and they were very, very good in the first half.

As managers up and down the country waited to see whether they could pick their non-Argentinian South American players, there was a groan at Old Trafford when the new came through – Fred was, in fact, available for selection.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer remained brave though – clearly, Ronaldo had told him that the Brazilian is rubbish and there was no way he could be seen on the same pitch as him for his second debut.

Freddie Woodman had clearly read the script that demanded all the people watching Manchester United vs Newcastle on an illegal stream somewhere were able to see Ronaldo net twice on his first Premier League match in a while.

Woodman fumbled the first one into the path of United’s number 7 for the first and then nicely let the second fly through his legs to make Cristiano an instant match-winner. Bruno, however, may well have been advised not to ping one top bins from 30-odd yards. It just will not do to go around upstaging his international teammate.

Cue the cries of United probably winning the league on social media whilst conveniently forgetting that title-winning sides rarely let Javier Manquillo score against them.

We can only presume that Christian Benteke had done a mighty fine job of softening up the Tottenham defence before stepping aside like a gentleman to allow Odsonne Edouard to take the glory, the big signing from Celtic scoring two on his Premier League debut.

All those nay-sayers that had proclaimed, “Nah, mate – Scottish football’s easy. He’ll never do it in the Premier League” must have felt a little foolish as Edouard scored as many goals in 10 minutes than it feels like Benteke has managed in his entire Selhurst Park career.

Wilf Zaha delightfully baited Japhet Tanganga into picking up two yellow cards but Palace were already dominating the game before Spurs went down to ten. It would appear that the Premier League Manager of the Month curse is alive and well as Nuno’s side were completely and utterly put to the sword by Vieira’s Palace side that many (OK, maybe just me then) had tipped for relegation this season.

Vieira has now got one over Tottenham in four different decades, apparently. Somehow, I feel that might not be the most exclusive of clubs he is in.

You might feel that had Peppy G been forced to select Scott Carson ahead of Ederson that Man City may not have walked away from the King Power with all three points – no wonder Guardiola was so effusive for all things FIFA when appearing to back Arsene Wenger’s plans for a World Cup every two years.

Bernardo Silva showed that there is a decent Portuguese match-winner available on the other side of the city, netting the winner for Pep in a 1-0 win.

King Kloppo might not be too interested in what other people get up to in the ‘transfer circus’ but unless Liverpool break with their recent convention and pay Mo Salah the really big bucks, then Jurgen will be needing to find someone capable of replacing his Egyptian goal-machine. And, given that Harvey Elliot saw his leg broken in the name of letting football ‘flow’ he might be wishing they’d brought in another midfielder. Mind you, at least Naby escaped that coup.

Salah put the Reds ahead at Leeds with his 100th Premier League strike – making him quicker than quite a few proper centre-forwards in the process. Liverpool pretty much battered a Leeds side that left more holes open than a particular aerated string vest. Fabinho and Mane scored t’other two. Still, decent atmosphere at Elland Road, eh?

As Dean Smith astutely noted, Aston Villa did have as many good chances as their opponents Chelsea at Stamford Bridge – the main difference being that their £96m striker took the ones that came his way. 

Yet, and allow me a momentary moan about modern footballers if you will, for some bizarre reason the very same £96m striker is not banned from doing stupid knee slides after scoring a goal. Anyone who saw Lukaku jam his very expensive, highly-insured joints into the turf after putting Chelsea ahead will have winced. Lukaku posted after the game that there will be no more knee slides for him after scoring – out of embarrassment or at the request of the insurers? I urge every manager in the game to fine the goalscorer their bonus if they do it. Maybe show them a couple of videos of the Klinsmann belly-slide or even the Kuqi swallow-dive if they really need to hit the deck.

There was a lot to like about Villa but when it came down to it, Lukaku scored his first-ever pro goals at the Bridge and Tyrone Mings turned out to be more effective for Chelsea than Saul Niguez by creating Kovacic’s goal.

The relegation battle at the Emirates ended up 1-0 to the Arsenal – but was their goal offside and guilty of a little handball in the build-up? Now, now – let’s not be too mean. Arteta’s men are going to need some luck here and there otherwise they will never end up in mid-table obscurity. Arsenal contrived to miss 29 efforts on goal whilst scoring just once. Efficient is not a word you could sanely use here. Mind you, it made Pepe happy – he is now convinced that Arsenal will be a Premier League side next season.

Wolves finally managed to get the ball in the opposition net – except they didn’t, Watford kindly did it for them. Having seen that the impossible was actually possible, they went and nicked another and won 2-0. 

Brentford could well be the new Brighton already. And by that, I mean that they are a decent team that is quite pleasant to watch but unable to kill teams off (unless, of course, that team is Arsenal). Brighton netted a late winner to, incredibly, keep themselves amongst the early front-runners.

Said early front-runners still include West Ham who could have been sitting pretty at the top had they managed to beat Southampton. The curse of the Manager of the Month seems to have extended itself to the Player of the Month award as well as Michail Antonio, the current holder, managed to get sent off in the 0-0 draw. Chelsea-loanee Broja managed to do more in a mere 10 minutes than the other 22 players cobbled together in an entire 90-minute shift.

Well, as we always say at this point in the season, there’s nothing like an international break to kill a bit of momentum.

As the burning embers of the transfer window start to dampen down, this is a fine opportunity to have a little look back at a couple of the eye-browsing moments of the summer and laugh at the fact that the transfer rumour mill is already underway for January. Yes, already. Did you enjoy the break?

We should also give a cursory glance at the international fixtures that took place too – but you can probably skip that bit.

Remember last week when I said that CR7 was dead and it could well be CR77, CR70, CR61 or something equally daft? It turns out that if your name is Cristiano Ronaldo, special Premier League dispensation can happen – especially when you persuade Man United to flog their number 21 to Leeds meaning Edinson Cavani can seamlessly slip into his Uruguay squad number.

Yes, Ronaldo will be wearing number 7 for United this season – and if you have a spare two-and-a-half grand kicking about you could probably get a ticket for his second debut. The secondary ticket market, or to be more exact, online touts, have managed to clean up the seats available and are charging a literal arm-and-a-leg to pass them on.

Cristiano’s second debut kicking off at 3pm in the UK next Saturday has also sparked the debate around how it is possible for everyone outside England to be able to watch the match live (legally, we should add) yet those poor United fans in London can’t. Sad times indeed.

Ainsley Maitland-Niles wins this season’s award for ‘Failed attempt at leaving a club’ following his social media plea to go to a club where he felt wanted. Unfortunately for him, Everton didn’t come up with the required readies because they can’t really spend much more until they rid themselves of a certain James Rodriguez. And that means that AMN is stuck at the Emirates having burnt what little bridge was actually left.

That said, you’d have to think he’d be a better option at right-back than Cedric, no? Not that it matters, given the Arsenal have signed Tommy Yashu – who once upon a time you’d have thought they’d picked up locally.

For me, the winner of the ‘I think Sky are just making this up to fill some time’ award on Deadline Day was the suggestion that Burnley had been offered Juventus midfielder Weston McKennie and (a) Burnley were tempted to spend £30m+ and (b) Weston McKennie fancied swapping Turin for a bit of Lancashire. Stranger things have certainly not happened.

Harry Kane also took to social media to very openly put the last few weeks behind him, take another pop at Daniel Levy and basically tell the fans they wouldn’t understand anyway. Still, he’s one of their own.

It would be lovely to think Jack Grealish, who didn’t exactly endear himself to Villa fans in the week either, has spent the entire international break singing Blue Moon in and around his England skipper.

England beat Hungary 4-0 to pretty much kill off the group before sending their B team out to battle against, and I am contractually obliged to call them, plucky little Andorra.

The B team needed a little help from a couple of A team lads to repeat the Hungary scoreline. Andorra will take that, I am sure. It was nice to see Jesse Lingard get a game of football and the big smile of Patrick Bamford, given a debut because, you know, why not?

And what else is going on on the Premier League planet which feels more and more removed from reality?

Liverpool’s Mo Salah really wants to stat Anfield – providing they whack his weekly pay up to a mere £500k that is.

Aston Villa didn’t believe for a second that Mr McKennie wanted to go to Turf Moor and be growled at by Sean Dyche – so they’d like to sign the USA midfielder instead.

Romelu Lukaku has opened up on his gratitude to Inter Milan for digging him out of a deep Manchester United sized hole and saving his career – and that he would only have ever left them for Chelsea, even with the impending financial doom Inter seem to be facing.

Having secured a few other key men on long-term well-paid new deals, Man City want to tie up Phil Foden by multiplying his current wages by four. Yep, by four.

Adama Traore was so delighted that Wolves shut down any chance of him leaving Molineux last week that he is in talks for a new deal. My advice to Wolves would be to pay him 10K per week and a 250K goal bonus, meaning they only have to pay him – well, you get the gist.

Arsene Wenger, remember him, reckons that the Premier League’s economic power means that Erling Haaland will be heading to Blighty next summer. Clearly, Arsene understands how broke Real Madrid and Barcelona are – oh.

Peppy G does win the ‘we didn’t want him anyway’ award of the transfer window as it transpired, if you believe this kind of thing, that City turned down the chance to sign Saul on deadline day meaning that the Spaniard ended up at Stamford Bridge instead. OK, Pep.

And Rafa Benitez is looking to endear himself to Everton fans and players further by suggesting that his squad should spend less time mucking about online gaming and more time gardening. This is ironic, really, given that the player this applies to most (J-Rod) is pretty much on gardening leave….

You lot should be grateful this week, you really should. The newspaper that publishes this rubbish every week asked me to submit just 500 words this week as they didn’t have space for more.

No dramas. You know, just the week Cristiano Ronaldo reappears at Old Trafford, ready to either enhance his Premier League legacy or somewhat tarnish it.

But no worries, it’s not as if Liverpool versus Chelsea had anything interesting to mock or Arsenal completely self-combusted against City or anything. It’s not as if Daniel Levy is dancing a silly dance of transfer-war joy having beaten Harry Kane into staying at Spurs in the last seven days. It’s not as if anything untoward occurred at the Etihad in the last week.

So he is back – but not on the side of Manchester most people thought he’d be rocking up to on Friday morning. Depending on who you believe, Ronaldo resigning for Manchester United was the work of Rio Ferdinand, Patrick Evra, the Glazers looking to buy themselves a longer reprieve from protests or Brunaldo – though I am not sure we can continue to call him that if Ronaldo is actually playing for the same team.

The biggest question is not around how he will fit into Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s non-existent tactical framework, of course. It’s all about what number he will wear as he’s not allowed to take Edinson Cavani’s number seven now that the season has started. 

Fantasy Football managers all over the world are in meltdown having invested big on Bruno Fernandes – will the Portuguese midfielder have to hand over all set pieces now to Cristiano? The thing is, Brunaldo gets them on target once in a while, you know – Ronaldo, not as often as you might think.

Mikel Arteta assures us he is having a look at himself after Arsenal were royally spanked by a Kane-and-Ronaldo-less Man City 5-0. He might want to start by looking at which planet he was on thinking that Holding, Chambers and Kolasanic would be able to stop City’s attack. And then have a peek at why he felt Granit Xhaka was trustworthy and worth a new deal. Then maybe at why Cedric is his first choice right-back currently.

City were rather good, however – far better than Peppy G’s sweatshirt. I mean, what was that on the back? Some kind of plea for help?

A perfectly good game of football at Anfield was ruined by a referee daring to only briefly look at the VAR screen and realise his big boo-boo in not seeing Reece James’ arm move to the ball to stop it going in. A penalty and red card followed (correctly, correctly) meaning that the second-half was a case of stoic Chelsea defending and frustrating Liverpool attacking. Still, 1-1 was probably a fair result and most judges would have had Virgil van Dijk vs Romelu Lukaku in the heavyweight division down as a split decision, probably to VVD.

Solskjaer might be wondering whether Ronaldo can play as a defensive midfielder given Fred’s performance at Molineux. Wolves, driven by Adama Traore, battered United for the majority and United won 1-0 – 28 away games unbeaten now which is some kind of record.

United were poor, make no mistake about it, and if Ruben Neves had rolled around on the floor immediately then he might have won a foul that stopped United scoring. But he didn’t, and Wolves need to find a way to turn all that lovely stuff into goals and points.

West Ham briefly looked like they could remain the early pacesetters in the table when Michail Antonio scored once more to put the Hammers 2-1 up. But, Patrick Vieira’s team-with-no-direction do have one bright spark – Conor Gallagher, on loan from Chelsea and doing a more-than-passable impression than Frank Lampard by scoring two beauties from midfield.

Tottenham are being quietly efficient behind all the Kane noise. Nuno has managed to get away with being duller than Jose on the pitch, primarily because the team are keeping clean sheets under him. Kane started and finished (the game, not any chances) and it was a fluke/put it an area effort from Son that took three points against Watford.

Patrick Bamford celebrated an England call-up by poaching one from half-a-yard to nick Leeds a point away to Burnley who had led through Chris Wood’s 30,000th Premier League goal. No, not Wood’s 30,000th obviously. We’d be here until 3012 waiting for Burnley to score that many, let alone Wood on his own.

Steve Bruce continues to be under pressure at Newcastle – but then has he ever not been under pressure there? Newcastle scored in injury-time to lead Southampton 2-1 but still found a way to screw it up, gifting the Saints a penalty and JWP doesn’t miss many of them.

As pretty as Brighton are, you just kinda knew that Graham Potter vs Rafa Benitez was likely to end up with a big W for the Spaniard. Demari Gray is being touted as the signing of the summer (before presumably disappearing and being toilet as Everton start their November slide). Gray scored a lovely goal and wisely kept himself out of the heated “who is taking this penalty THEN?” debate that raged – apparently, DLC was allowed the first one and Richarlison would have had the second, had there been one. We can only guess that the Brazilian either forgot or was in no mood to follow the rules.

Norwich kept themselves above Arsenal in the league by scoring and not winning at Carrow Road. Marc Albrighton, who is still playing, scored a deflected winner for Leicester who had led through Jamie Vardy. Vardy disappointed in truth – where was the canary based celebration? Norwich had a late, late equaliser chalked off by VAR as Todd Cantwell was standing in front of Kasper Schmeichel and, you know, offside. Apparently, he was not interfering with play according to Daniel Farke. Just ask Brian Clough what he thinks about strikers not interfering with play in the box.

Emi Buendia and Ivan Toney arrived in the Premier League with big reputations to live up to this season and both netted at Villa Park. Brentford remain unbeaten and Buendia scored the kind of goal that a certain someone who used to play for the club would have loved to have scored himself. Credit to Dean Smith though – he managed to get away with playing Ashley Young in central midfield.

And so, a mere fortnight into the new season, players that are allowed to disappear to their international teams are off – many with their phones on to see if they can get that deadline day payday of a move.

And in a flash, it has gone – the second week of Premier League action disappears as quickly as it appeared.

Already, things start to have a familiar feel – Manchester United went behind away from home before sorting themselves out to nick a point they may not have deserved. Norwich City got battered by one of the top sides. Burnley tried to kick Liverpool off the pitch but ultimately lost. Adama Traore failed hit to a bus with a banjo and an expensive Chelsea striker hit the ground running in their first game. Wait, what? That doesn’t sound right.

Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool side kicked the weekend off at Anfield and Burnley, as mentioned, looked to kick Liverpool off Anfield as the former champions won 2-0.

Kloppo probably has a point when he takes on those that are pining for football to be like it was in the 70s and 80s – would we want to drive cars from back then? No, so why do we want to see tackles go in like they did back then? There has to be a balance though – we don’t want every team to be allowed three Terry Hurlocks but let’s not call every bit of contact a foul either.

Either way, Burnley will Burnley and you’re probably not going to change a player like Ashley Barnes this late in his career. It didn’t stop the Reds as young Harvey Elliott made an impressive first Premier League start – and it was the usual faces of Diogo Jota and Sadio Mane who did the goal-related damage. Naturally, Sean Dyche had a few moans of his own – thinking his side had been hard done by with a couple of rough Liverpool challenges. Sean Dyche will, after all, Sean Dyche.

Quite a few people are tipping Chelsea for the title (including me which almost guarantees it won’t happen) and now they’ve got a striker who might score goals (sorry, Timo) they are an even more frightening prospect. 14 minutes was all it took for Romelu Lukaku to bully Pablo Mari into an arm-flinging submission to the floor and open his second account for the club. Tony Adams, watching in a TV studio, would not have approved of that bit of defending from an Arsenal defender carrying on the legacy of back fours before him.

Bernd Leno might have chosen a good moment to make one of the finest reflex saves ever seen in the Premier League (wouldn’t be right at the top though, given the game was gone and this will not be remembered as a classic match). Given he now has an overpriced understudy itching to finally play some minutes that don’t lead to relegation (though don’t count that chicken just yet, Aaron), his tip on to the bar that denied Lukaku his second was about the best thing that happened to any Gunner at the Emirates.

Peppy G’s actual champions got their home campaign underway with the standard 5-0 drubbing of Norwich. Jack Grealish – he cost ONE HUNDRED MILLION if you’ve been living under a rock – scored his first City goal, whilst Gabby Jesus reminded everyone he is actually quite good (and a hell of a lot cheaper to run than Harry Kane). Raheem Sterling even managed to play and score but, as you’d suspect, City will face tougher challenges than Norwich this season.

Early pacesetters Man United failed to live up to the early expectations, coming from behind to take a point from Southampton at St Mary’s. Southampton did enough to take all three – United, really, did not. Still, nice to see Fred continue his goalscoring start to the season.

Nuno had an early return to Spurs and regardless of what happens to Harry Kane, could he finally be the manager to wake up Dele Alli? Alli scored the winner from the spot and Wolves looked toothless once again. Kane did come off the bench but, having seen the state of that away kit, can you blame him for wanting to get out? He missed a chance to make it 2-0 but if anyone was leaving Molineux disappointed they didn’t score it was Adama Traore (again).

Brighton ended the weekend with a 100% record so far this season – even with only two games gone I did not expect to be saying that. Once again, they were efficient and, once again, I did not expect to be saying that. I don’t think it can be written off as “only Watford” given that they did a number on Villa on the opening day, but given they’ve only beaten the Hornets and Burnley let’s not get too carried away with Graham Potter’s magic on the south coast.

It doesn’t seem to matter who Danny Ings is playing for, he’ll score – Ings’ scissor-kick for Villa against Newcastle is, apparently, an early contender for goal-of-the-season but, more realistically, we’ll all have forgotten it by the time everyone returns from the first international break.

Villa did need that win, however – how many more points before people stop mentioning the fact that they no longer have their former skipper?

As ever, there were goals in the Leeds match – which is even more impressive given they were playing an Everton side managed by Rafa Benitez. Do not be fooled – the Toffees having five goals in two matches does not point to a new carefree Rafa. It means that Michael Keane had better sort himself out or he won’t be seen again. 

Crystal Palace fans could be in for a long season – if they thought watching a Roy Hogdson side was painful, it would be interesting to get their thoughts after they’ve suffered two months of Patrick Vieira’s tactical philosophy. The Eagles failed to soar higher than the Bees and it was a 0-0 draw with Brentford.

With a week remaining in this transfer window, the rumours get no less crazy.

Arsenal, the new big spenders of English football, claim not to be done despite adding Odegaard and Ramsdale for something in the region of £55m last week. Don’t let the fact that there’s a lack of concrete rumours linked to the Emirates right now, there’s still a while left for them to hit panic.

West Ham’s “one-of-their-own”, Declan Rice, is thought to be a little peeved that he is being valued at £100m. He knows as well as us that nobody is paying that for him.

Tanguy Ndombele’s time at Tottenham won’t be remembered for much other than an impromptu park session with former gaffer Jose Mourinho – he’s desperate to get away and would like to play for Real Madrid, Barcelona or Bayern Munich. And Spurs thought they had issues with Harry Kane.

The previously mentioned Michael Keane should be worried about Everton being linked to taking Chelsea not-yet-seen defender Malang Sarr on loan.

If you remember Tiemoue Bakayoko, you’ll be delighted to learn he might be about to join AC Milan permanently.

Finally, Steve Bruce is listening to Newcastle fans’ desire to play non-stop attacking football regardless of that meaning certain relegation. As a result, he’s in for Everton’s James Rodriguez which is, frankly, bonkers.

Well, would you look at that – a new Premier League season. Not a lot has changed, really – Mo Salah scores on the opening day, Arsenal are still bobbins, Leeds cannot defend at Old Trafford and Harry Kane still wants to leave Spurs.

The new season got underway at one of the promoted clubs, Brentford. They were entertaining Arsenal and, according to the Gunners fans, everyone was there just to watch the Arsenal.

Yeah, about that. Without wishing to take too much away from the Premier League new boys who were very, very good but just how utterly rubbish were Mikel Arteta’s men?

Rather than spending most of the summer trying to pay £40m for a very average goalkeeper, time could have been spent addressing bigger issues – and there are too many for me to list here. Mind you, it doesn’t help when your two highest-paid strikers phone in sick before kick-off. Arteta was very tightlipped about what had happened there, but we can probably assume what they’ve gone down with.

Brentford went to bed top of the league – what a feeling.

Naturally, much of the pre-match chatter around City’s opener with Tottenham was around the Spurs captain and his desire to walk away from “the greatest stadium in world football”. It was believed that Kane actually wanted to play against the club he’d really like to join but Nuno, at the end of his first actual week of working with Harry, chose against it.

Daniel Levy thinks he will be keeping Hazza at Tottenham for at least one more season and passed this note on to the City officials at the match. Mind you, you get the feeling City will want him just a little bit more after that result and Spurs will either think they can do without or think they’ve got an even stronger selling position.

Sitting deep and hitting City on the break – it was almost as if Jose never let but fair play to Nuno, that’s not a bad way to say hello to your new fans. 6th choice or not, he even managed to get a tune out of Lucas Moura who hadn’t been seen since Amsterdam.

Sonny can only play with Kane? Not a bit of it. And who would have thought Grealish would have played twice for City and not seen them score a goal?

Many people, including myself (for which I apologise to Leeds fans), have tipped Marcelo Bielsa to better last season’s 9th place finish – and they’ll be grateful they won’t be playing at Old Trafford again this season having followed up last time out’s 6-2 drubbing with a 5-1 battering on Saturday.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer unveiled Raphael Varane before the game, whipping United’s fans into a frenzy ahead of kick-off – nice to see those protests against the Glazers and European Super League have been bought off by a couple of big signings – and his team were at it from the first whistle.

Graeme Souness must have been salivating at the form of Paul Pogba – by the hour, the Frenchman had matched last season’s assist total by laying on three for his teammates. Many have been wanting to see the Pogba that plays for France and he showed some of that off against Leeds, creating a fourth before the end.

But the star of the show was Bruno Fernandes, never shy of sticking the knife into a team that isn’t in the top six. Brunaldo got a hat-trick but it was Leeds’ Luke Ayling who got the best goal of the game, smashing an equaliser in from right back.

Pogba might have been excellent, but it won’t stop him running down his contract this season and disappearing on a free next summer – yet already United fans are thinking he might head off with a league winner’s medal around his neck. Trust me, that’s not happening.

My bet for the title just happens to the Champions of Europe – they took apart my dead certs for relegation, Crystal Palace, 3-0. Marcos Alonso, who just keeps getting picked, scored the best free-kick of the season before the next kid off the Academy rank rounded things off nicely. We probably won’t see that much of Trevor Chalobah this campaign, but he’ll always have that moment.

Chelsea have finalised the coming home of Romelu Lukaku for the small matter of around £100m and have more than enough in the tank to nick the title from Pep’s lot this season.

Tammy Abraham will be waving his mates on from Rome, by the looks of it – he jetted off to see Jose over the weekend and agree his move to Serie A.

I cannot see how Liverpool can realistically challenge for the title given that they’ve done very little in the window to close the gap on City. But, they put Norwich to bed fairly comfortably with Salah doing his usual opening day thing of scoring. Mind you, his first assist was a touch fortunate as he demonstrated the touch of a sledgehammer trying to control Trent’s pass into his feet.

Norwich are supposed to be better than the last time they graced the top flight. Time will tell, it looked pretty similar to me.

Rafa’s back in town and he’s already got points on the board. Everton beat Southampton, who have had better weeks having had to sell Danny Ings and then seeing Jan Bednarek leg it to Leicester as fast as his very long legs would take him.

Richarlison was back from the Olympics where he won a gold medal, presumably for either the long jump or in the diving competition. It being earlier than November, he was in spectacular form turning the game around for Everton after new signing Adam Armstrong started filling the Ings void for the Saints.

Leicester would love to not bottle it this season and finish in the top four and Jamie Vardy was on that mission straight away, scoring a lovely goal to beat Wolves – Wolves could well struggle, especially if they are relying on Adama Traore’s finishing to score them goals.

Hands up if you could name more than two Watford players in their starting line-up? No matter, they could be quite fun to watch this season as they sprinted into a 3-0 lead over a Grealish-less Aston Villa. Villa got it back to 3-2 but did little to quell the suspicion that they were a one-man team who no longer have that one man.

Brighton adopted a different approach in their first outing. Rather than dominating a game and losing, Graham Potter sent the Seagulls out at Burnley to be dominated – and, of course, Brighton ended up winning. Funny old game, as someone used to say.

Newcastle fans have been desperate to get back into St James’ Park and throw their support behind Steve Bruce and his team. My advice would be to forget the actual result against West Ham – they should close their eyes and replay each moment Alain Saint-Maximin got the ball. I mean, it took Declan Rice five minutes to get back in the ground after the headband-wearing magician set up the opener for Callum Wilson. All that was very nice, but it didn’t lead to Newcastle winning – West Ham know matching last season’s league finish will be tough but made as good a start as they could have hoped for.

There is plenty of transfer news but I shall spare you that – as nothing I write next could possibly top the fact that Phil Jones, the former footballer, has refused to give Raphael Varane his number four shirt despite the fact he is more likely to be Messi’s replacement at Barca than ever play for United again. Score on the petty scale? A solid 19 out of ten.

To be fair, I was tempted to ‘do a Harry Kane’ and not show up today but then I realised nobody was likely to be putting in a €150m+ bid to remove me from my Tottenham (and by Tottenham, I mean this column) hell.

So, here I am – raising a glass to the opening of the 2021/22 English football season having watched the traditional curtain-raiser at Wembley. 

It doesn’t matter how much managers like Peppy G and Brentan like to pretend that it’s a trophy worth winning, the Community Shield was nothing more than a glorified friendly kickabout with players that will get nowhere near the actual Premier League team in the case of City and a quickly scrabbled together back four for Leicester now that Wes Fofana has joined Jonny Evans, Timothy Castagne, James Justin and everyone else in the treatment room.

Understandably, much of the fanfare was to welcome the most expensive English footballer ever to Manchester City. Jack Grealish adopted his England role and sat on the bench for most of the game at the ‘Home of Football’ and got 15 minutes at the end showing off a few nice touches and not a lot else.

Leicester were handed the game on a Nathan Ake-shaped platter after the Dutch defender managed to let a pass slip under his foot, get tackled by Iheanacho and then drag the Nigerian to the floor – Iheanacho got up to fire the winning penalty home to save us all from having to watch another spot-kick showdown under the arch.

The first silverware of the season went to the Foxes and Guardiola’s attention will now switch to persuading Spurs that they want to give him Kane in exchange for around one-hundred-and-fifty million big ones.

City believe they can get a deal done this week – which will be music to the ears of the England captain who has finally rocked up at Tottenham’s training complex claiming he was not on strike, he just wasn’t at training. Kane will be spending five days in solitary confinement – not a punishment dished out by Daniel Levy, sadly – as he undergoes quarantine.

Yet, could Pep’s affections be now divided given that a certain Mr Messi is not going to be playing for Barcelona next season? Sure, PSG are already commissioning some fancy marketing agency to do a “Messi Launch Party” underneath the Eiffel Tower but it is believed that the Argentine’s preferred destination is still the rain of Manchester. Mind you, Roman Abramovich might have something to say about that having called an “emergency meeting” which his folks to pull together an immediate battle plan to take Messi to Stamford Bridge.

Defender Aymeric Laporte could not care less if Kane or Messi join Grealish at the club – he wants to go to La Liga meaning both Real Madrid and Barcelona, both massively broke remember, are being linked.

Inter Milan have “reluctantly” accepted the fact that Romelu Lukaku has unfinished business at Chelsea and Chelsea have £100m with their name on it. Lukaku is expected to be at the club some time next week. Whilst they are in Italy, Chelsea are hoping to pick up Juve’s Dutch defender Mattijs de Ligt in return for either Jorginho or Timo Werner and another wedge of cash.

This all means players lead to leave the Bridge and fast – Kurt Zouma still heads that list, winger Kenedy (yeah, he’s still there), Baba Rahman (yep, him too), Danny Drinkwater (I know, still getting paid to be a footballer), Ross Barkley and Tammy Abraham are all expected to depart at some point.

Tottenham have literally set up camp in Serie A and have signed Atalanta’s Cristian Romero, finally – £47m is all the best defender in Italy costs nowadays. Spurs would still like Japanese international Tomiyasu for under £20m – Bologna, in case you’d forgotten. They won’t be signing Philippe Coutinho, however – he, like Antonio Griezmann, is being offered to all and sundry but given he is playing in Spain Spurs have politely declined.

They’d much rather Inter’s Lautaro Martinez for £60m – spending the Harry Kane money they really don’t want to cash in on. Martinez is claimed to be up for the move – Ashley Young, Christian Eriksen, Alexis Sanchez and Victor Moses must have had quite the impression on him.

There’s lots of noise coming out of Arsenal, as usual. They will need to pay £60m plus to take James Maddison from Leicester and pay him a fair whack to take a step down in level. If he cannot be convinced, then they’d like to take Bernardo Silva off Pep’s hands as he wants to leave the Etihad. However, nobody with half a brain is convinced that the Emirates is what Bernardo was meaning when he said that.

The Gunners have also bid a mere £17m for Lazio attacker Joaquin Correra which has been described as “inadequate” – not a word Arsenal are unaccustomed to.

Arteta is still sniffing around Sheffield United’s Aaron Ramsdale and Sander Berge and thinks they are a good use of £50m. 

Also, given that Manchester United have been able to get anything done, Arsenal would like to sign Atletico’s Kieran Trippier for £40m – you have to admire the ambition if nothing else.

Despite all this, Lyon’s Houssam Aouar would still join them in a heartbeat – just nobody is picking up the phone.

It’s been pretty quiet at Old Trafford in the last week other than Anthony Martial being pretty likely to leave this window – Inter Milan would like him to replace both Lukaku and Martinez which asking a bit much in the cold light of day.

The fact it is equally quiet at Anfield will not please King Kloppo anymore than last week – Liverpool are one of several teams being linked to Bournemouth’s Arnaut Danjuma. I mean, he’s alright but doesn’t really fill the big hole in the middle of the park that Gini’s gone and left.

Aston Villa love a transfer window and before their former skipper was unveiled at City they’d revealed they had signed both Leon Bailey and Southampton’s Danny Ings in the same day. Dean Smith isn’t planning on stopping there – he still fancies a bit of JWP’s dead-ball cunning and is one of the remaining people in football that believes there is a top-class striker waiting to happen in Tammy Abraham.

Brentford have the reputation of being “clever” in the transfer market so the fact nobody has heard of Yoane Wissa (a winger) and Jens Cajuste (a midfielder) would suggest they are busy being clever again.

Everton are not thought to be clever, which is why they are being linked to Solomon Rondon who, I believe, was least seen playing in China.

Leeds have asked both Noa Lang, a Dutch U21 international, and Huddersfield midfielder Lewis O’Brien if they like running and have ever heard of murderball – both gave the right kind of answer so at least one of them will be moving to Elland Road.

Southampton are looking to fill their sudden Ings-shaped hole with either Blackburn’s Adam Armstrong or Tammy Abraham. They’ll need someone or the dreaded R word will start to be whispered down at St Mary’s.

West Ham reckon they’ve got about a 10% chance of getting Jesse Lingard to the club this season so are switching their attention to various European-based central defenders. Nikola Malenkovic of Fiorentina, Duje Caleta-Car of Marseille and Nayef Aguerd are being linked to the Athletics Stadium.

Crystal Palace’s Vieira-led spending spree looks set to continue – they’ve probably signed loads more since last week and I’ve forgotten to tell you. This week, they are keen to get Armstrong ahead of Southampton and many others (I just don’t know who they are).

Norwich want USA international Josh Sargent for £10m, Brighton want Arsenal’s Eddie Nketiah for £20m and Newcastle are the latest side to show an interest in random Liverpool cult hero Nat Phillips.

Meanwhile, Burnley would like to be rejected by Leipzig’s Ademola Lookman who surely believes he can do better than that. So, rather than look for another winger Sean Dyche is up for signing Maxwel Cornet instead – a defender, in case you are bothered.

Can you smell it, folks? That’s the sweet scent of the Premier League season closing in and money being burned on random signings left right and centre.

We have more transfer rumours than Team GB have medals in the Olympics for you to enjoy(?) today – feel free to join us in the mockery of most as, frankly, there are some crazy ones here today. I mean, Phil Jones being linked to another Premier League team? Loco.

Up at Anfield, King Kloppo is getting understandably frustrated given the lack of activity in the market for Liverpool – who, you know, wouldn’t mind trying to win that title back. It’s all very well saying getting Virgil and Joe Gomez back is like “having new signings” but Jurgen would like some actual new signings.

The club have been linked to West Ham’s Jarrod Bowen in the last week – no, he’s not a central midfielder – and Wolves’ Adam Traore (no, he’s not either). Germany midfielder Florian Neuhaus is a central midfielder however, and can join the long list of other potential £30m+ signings that probably won’t happen this window. Still, Trent’s signed a new four-year deal – that’s something, no?

Manchester City are waving a new contract under the nose of their keeper, Ederson – no doubt, that’ll get signed as efficiently as he plays the ball 100 yards out to Sterling’s feet with a single cursory glance forward.

All the other talk at the Etihad continues to surround Jack Grealish and, to a lesser extent in the last seven days, Harry Kane. City are thought to have finally but £100m on the table to Villa who will accept it if Jack really, really wants to go – if not, they’ll happily tie him down to a new deal. 

In unrelated news, John Terry has quit as Villa’s assistant manager as he wants to spend some time preparing himself for a hot seat in the near future. He felt it would be unfaithful to Villa to be looking around whilst still employed by the club. I know, I know – that’s very unlike JT to reach that conclusion.

New goalkeeping contracts seem to be all the rage as Villa want to get Emi Martinez sorted for many more years just in case Arsenal realise what a clanger they dropped letting him go and try and woo him back.

Having signed Leon Bailey for £30m-ish, Dean Smith still wants more wide attacking options – it’s almost as if he thinks Jack would really, really like to play for City. Todd Cantwell of Norwich City could be on his way meaning that Villa could line up with two-thirds of a Premier League attack that got relegated two seasons ago.

Smith is still very keen to get Southampton’s James Ward-Prowse up to the Midlands but is probably going to need to find more than £25m to tempt the Saints – no matter how much JWP fancies it.

Chelsea have continued their interesting trend of quirky third-choice goalkeepers by signing ex-Fulham stopper Bettenelli. Well, at least there won’t be any relocation costs for him.

There’s lots more happening at Stamford Bridge as Tommy T has demanded Jules Kounde is signed from Sevilla – with Kurt Zouma being used as bait. However, Zouma isn’t keen on being bait for anyone and would much rather stay in London and wear the colours of West Ham instead.

Bizarrely, long-term target for everyone with money, Erling Haaland, has said that he hopes that links suggesting he might be joining Chelsea for £150m are “just rumours”. As much as that might cheer up Tammy Abraham, it’s unlikely to see his potential sale slowed down – Chelsea still want £40m but West Ham, Villa and Arsenal would rather not pay that – mind you, hold your line long enough Blues and you’ll find Arsenal probably will pay that and more.

AC Milan still believe Hakin Ziyech wants out of a fight for a place at the Bridge and would much prefer life in Serie A and Trabzonspor are likely to be the next club to rent out Michi Batshuayi for a season.

Over in Madrid, Manchester United have the guy who pestered Dortmund into eventually selling them Jadon Sancho delegated to a new task – United believe a deal can be done on both Kieran Trippier and midfielder Saul Niguez, though Liverpool are quite right to remind everyone he is very much on their shortlist of midfielders they will not sign.

There is also false hope at Old Trafford that because Ole has known Haaland since he was a baby that this could be enough to close the deal for the Norweigan goal-machine. It’s that kind of thinking that has pushed United forward since Sir Alex called it a day, after all.

As ever, there’s been chat about Paul Pogba but, far more importantly, since United have confirmed the signing of Raphael Varane from Real Madrid, Eric Bailly wouldn’t mind a little reassurance about his future.

Tottenham really need to get busy otherwise they could have a shocker of a season, and are being linked to a striker who scored 20 goals in Serie A last season – but they were for Crotone who got relegated. In fairness, Simy is pretty decent and would be a great backup to Kane next season if, well, you know, Spurs manage to lock Kane in their empty trophy cabinet so he cannot physically sign for City.

Having had a deal nailed on for Argentine defender Cristian Romero, it looks like that deal has stalled – seriously, I do wonder what happens for Spurs once their new Director of Football has run out of people in Serie A to call.

Arsenal also need to get busy – though, they have spanked £50m on Brighton’s Ben White leading to little dances of joy at the Amex, messages in WhatsApp groups saying “they paid HOW MUCH???” and immediate plans to reinvest the money very sensible indeed.

Lautaro Martinez won Serie A with Inter last season and Inter have expressed an interest in Hector Bellerin so a genius in the Arsenal recruitment department has put two and two together and come up with a £20m + Hector offer which reminded many of us of the time they offered £40,000,001 for Luis Suarez.

Oh, it was turned down if you are interested.

Arteta continues to “monitor” Schalke’s Matthew Hoppe which feels like a strange thing to be doing given that Schalke’s season has not started so nothing will have changed.

Potential outs at the Emirates include Reiss Nelson who is Patrick Vieira’s latest young, English muse and, still, Xhaka who could have walked to Roma and signed a deal by now.

Unsurprisingly, Arteta is still keen to get Willian out of the club and, equally unsurprisingly, is struggling to find any other club stupid enough to pay his wages.

And Real Madrid would love to get rid of Martin Odegaard for £40m or so and, guess what? They think Arsenal might be the punter of choice.

Mind you, the Gunners are still being closely linked to Italy’s Manuel Locatelli – that’s if Juventus fail to stump up the cash to buy him.

Crystal Palace, Brentford and Watford have been scouring the Olympics for any bargains and all agree that New Zealand’s Matthew Garbett might be a good bet.

West Ham are the club laughably looking to give Phil Jones a Premier League lifeline – that said, it’s very much on a pay-as-you-play deal apparently, meaning it will probably cost them precisely nothing.

Brighton need a goalscorer and Benfica’s Darwin Nunez is one of those so you can do the maths on this one.

Leeds missed out on getting Conor Gallagher on loan from Chelsea so will have to make do with signing Lewis O’Brien from Huddersfield instead.

Newcastle fans will be delighted by the reports that Steve Bruce is to be offered a new contract at St James’ Park. If they can tear themselves away from that anger for five minutes, they’ll learn that they are the preferred destination of Man Utd’s Axel Tuanzebe for a loan deal and that there is still a good chance of getting Arsenal’s Joe Willock back for another season – though Monaco are said to be sniffing around on that one.

Everton’s least Rafa-like player in the squad, James Rodriguez, has ruled out a return to Real Madrid this summer – presumably based on the fact that he isn’t good enough for Real Madrid anymore.

Fabian Delph deserves some credit for becoming the more-hated 31-year-old international at the club with some of his recent social media commentary and Rafa remains unconvinced that Dutch right-back Denzel Dumfries is a player he wants to sign. True, Dumfries does like to venture over the halfway line.

In the least shocking news of the week, Wolves’ £35m purchase of Fabio Silva from Porto has been caught up in the investigation of many “suspect” Portuguese transfers in recent windows.

Finally, Arsene Wenger is expected to turn down the chance to become the new Switzerland manager – there is some irony that the manager who never saw anything and would sit on the fence is turning down a job with the most neutral country in world football. Maybe it was just the thought of having to manage Granit Xhaka again?

Right then, folks – get comfortable because we have a lot to get through today. All the rumour-creators are back after their post-Euro 2020 getaway and they’ve been cranking out the rubbish to get Spurs fans excited about what players they probably won’t be signing.

Before we get into all that, however, we should doff a cap to Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.  Ole has earned a further three-year deal at Old Trafford for “improving the culture of the club”. That’s right, the days where trophies meant success for United are in the distant past and OGS has been rewarded in the same way a teacher gets a pat on the back for controlling a rowdy Year 6.

The hottest topic of this window is around two England stars of the summer – Harry “I definitely want to get away” Kane and Jack “actually, I’m coming round to the idea of staying” Grealish.

The week started with reports that Spurs had accepted a £160m bid from Man City and it was ALL ON. Within an hour, both clubs had denied that was the case – City going big in their statement and calling it NONSENSE. There are denials, and there are denials. Spurs continue to assert he is not for sale but Kane continues to believe they are bluffing and that gentleman’s agreement he thinks he has will be honoured – especially as there is an alleged £400K a week contract on the Ethihad table.

Whether the deal happens or does not happen, Kane is unlikely to be on the field when the two sides oh-so-conveniently meet on the opening weekend of the Premier League season. Random fixture generators, eh? What were the chances?

Grealish seems to have started listening to people that have been saying things like, “you realise you won’t actually play that much?” and “weren’t you a bit bored watching all those England games this summer, it’ll be like that at City”. Villa are waving a new deal in front of their captain and pointing to the fact they’ve made some pretty cool signings so far and are being linked to several more (to be revealed not-so-exclusively later). Grealish is tempted – the signing on bonus alone might clear that £10k bar bill he racked up on holiday.

Some people are scratching their heads more than ever about Arsenal. Having sold Emi Martinez for just £20m last summer despite him clearly being their best keeper, they are seriously considering paying £32m for Aaron Ramsdale of Sheffield United – he who has been relegated twice in a row. They’ve had two bids rejected and are going back in again – just like they’ve done with Brighton’s Ben White who could finally be announced this week for anything up to £60m.

Arteta is not stopping there – he wants to bin off Alexandre Lacazette to free up some cash to end Tammy Abraham’s Chelsea hell. If he has any change left after paying Tammy £125K+ a week and the £40m he will probably cost, plus the £20m from flogging Granit Xhaka to Roma, Arteta wants to add Dortmund’s Denis Zakaria to his midfield labelled “this lot look good on paper”.

Chelsea are starting to sense that Dortmund are not overly keen to sell Erling Haaland to them, even at a crazy price. As a result, Chelsea have scoured the Earth for a cheaper alternative and have contacted the agent of Robert Lewandowski (as I am sure we’ve reported several times already). With Abraham moving out and Timo Werner open to the idea of heading back to the Bundesliga, the Champions League winners need to do something – which could well be getting neither and keeping Abraham and Werner. 

That said, they are also still being linked to Romelu Lukaku – so who knows? We certainly don’t and neither does Hakim Ziyech who is still being linked to a loan move to AC Milan.

He won’t be replaced by Real Madrid’s Eden Hazard who has zero interest in returning to the Bridge – which is a relief to most Chelsea fans – but the club do fancy bringing in Sergio Romero to be the 3rd choice goalkeeper this season. He’s on a free having left United and would tick the box of “quirky 3rd choice” for Chelsea – an absolute must.

Liverpool have flogged Harry Wilson to Fulham and are still keen to find a way to get Divock Origi, Shaqiri, Nat Phillips and Neco Williams out to raise £60m or so.

They’d like to spend some of that on Italy star man Fede Chiesa, but Juventus said no to their £86m bid. Damn you, Juventus – that could have been the ultimate “sign a player after a few good tournament games and regret it forever” moment.

More realistically, Liverpool like the look of West Ham’s Jarrod Bowen who may or may not have played alongside Andy Robertson at Hull. If the deal happens, I’m sure that will get cleared up.

Kloppo also likes the look of AC Milan’s Franck Kessie to do a job in midfield. Good at penalties too, is Franck.

It wouldn’t be a rumour-based column if Paul Pogba didn’t get a shoutout. He doesn’t look likely to sign a new deal but PSG’s fans have made it quite clear they don’t want him joining on a free next year.

As much as Solskjaer protests, there is a big chance Pogba will be off this summer and Massimo Allegri would not be against him returning to Juve.

United are still taking forever to get the Raphael Varane deal done, haggling over the last £10m and have apparently joined Arsenal in the race to sign Wolves’ Ruben Neves. Unfortunately for United, their initial talks with wonderkid Eduardo Camavinga have been written off as “quite disappointing”. Cutting.

Donny van der Beek has got wind of Pogba being out the door and has decided to stick around in case he gets a game just because he is still there. Anthony Martial won’t be so lucky as OGS sees no need for his inconsistent consistency now they have Jadon Sancho and will sell him to anyone who wants a moody Frenchman who doesn’t score enough for £50m.

Those signings Villa have been promising Grealish look something like this – Todd Cantwell from Norwich, Leon Bailey from Leverkusen and, er, Julian Alvarez from River Plate. You can see why he is tempted to stay, no? No?

Crystal Palace are signing anyone who claims to be a footballer currently as they’ve realised they need some players in time for the new season – coming in are Joachim Andersson (went down with Fulham last season), a freebie from Sunderland (maybe) and possibly Ozan Kabak – who spent the end of last season on loan at Liverpool.

Everton are collecting wide players like… well, a club that sold all their wide players and now have a manager who really wants wide players. Andros Townsend and Demari Gray are in – significant upgrades on Ademola Lookman, Theo Walcott and Bernard I am sure you will all agree. Oh, and Alex Iwobi.

They’d also like Jesse Lingard from United if he does end up leaving and West Ham can’t afford him.

If West Ham can’t get Lingard, they want Ross Barkley to see if Moyes can repeat the same trick twice. On top of that, Matty Perreria from WBA is on the list which is utterly bizarre given he is (a) more expensive than Grady Diangana who went the other way last year and (b) not as good as Grady Diangana who went the other way last year.

Newcastle and Leeds are fighting over Swedish midfielder Jens-Lys Cajuste from FC Midtjylland. Leeds want to add him to the signing of Lewis Bate from Chelsea – another young Chelsea kid joining another Premier League side – a bit like Myles Peart-Harris who joined Brentford. As did, Kristoffer Ajer finally – getting away from the Scottish Premiership to fulfil his dream of playing alongside Pontus Jansson.

Still with us? Good – a bit of Spurs as you’ve been so patient. They have signed an Italian keeper on loan, are looking at a Serie A defender and a Serie A striker. It’s almost as if their new DoF is Italian or something. Cristian Romero might be coming from Atalanta and Joaquin Correra from Lazio.

Paratici will be gutted he missed out on Ashley Young, no doubt.

Well, there goes England’s 100% record in major finals on home turf then.

The Euro 2020 adventure is over – it didn’t come home as it seems to prefer Rome. Southgate’s boys have grown up into fully-fledged very-nearly boys against Italy but it clearly wasn’t meant to be.

You can score too early in football and, unfortunately, Luke Shaw appeared to – England dropping deeper and deeper as the game progressed to the point where social distancing with the fans in the stands behind their goal was becoming an issue.

The magic touch left Southgate when he needed it most – Jordan Henderson wasn’t exactly a like for like substitution for the excellent Declan Rice on the night, the occasion looked bigger than Saka when he came on and whilst there was a lot of logic and sense in bringing on Rashford and Sancho just before the final whistle, it didn’t really work out that well.

Once the disappointment and questions that need to be asked – why drop off so much and where were Pickford and Grealish when the penalties were being dished out? – fade away, remember the good times of this tournament.

Go all the way back to last Wednesday at Wembley, for example, and how that felt. England, for so long accepting of players from foreign climes coming into their game and diving around, finally using the dark arts themselves to gain an advantage. 

Winning a penalty in that way is more difficult than ever given that you have to firstly convince the referee but also buy it in a way that the VAR cannot overturn. And to think Pep hardly picked you for the title run-in, Raheem – what does he know?

And then there was the laser – I think we can all agree that as the final went to penalties then Wembley should have been lit up like an Ibiza closing party. Did it stop Schmeichel saving the penalty? No! Should he have held on to such a weak effort from Kane? Yes! 

Jose Mourinho didn’t like Southgate subbing Grealish off having only brought him on 35 minutes earlier. Jose, I think you are telling porky pies there, my friend. One – since when did you care about a player’s feelings? Two – this was Gareth bringing off an attacking player to throw on a defender to close out a match. You’re telling me this didn’t make you feel all tingly inside?

Now all this Euros stuff is put to bed we can get on with the small matter of enjoying the utterly crazy transfer rumours that the tabloids make up to give them something to do.

England hero Sterling is open to offers to leave Man City – but you can bet your bottom dollar he won’t be looking to take a step down and why should he? Peppy G has other ideas though and wants to lock Sterling down to another long-term deal.

Kalvin Phillips is being lazily linked to random clubs but the Yorkshire Pirlo has no desire to leave Leeds and cannot wait for Bielsa to beast him in preseason training.

Aston Villa still believe Arsenal might be stupid enough to sell them Emile Smith-Rowe. You can understand why they might think that, so Villa will continue to increase their bids until stupidity takes over.

Arsenal might be distracted by the fact they’ve made an actual half-decent signing in Nuno Tavares, a young Portuguese left-back. Yes, that does mean Arsenal’s last two intelligent signings have been left-backs.

The Gunners are still chasing not-seen-at-the-Euros Ben White and are waving £50m under the noses of Brighton. However, that offer was not accepted last time and reports that it’s been accepted this time are wider of the mark than Dani Olmo’s penalty.

Houssem Aouar is still being linked to Arsenal, just like he has been for the last five windows and Hector Bellerin would really like to move to Inter, just like has been rumoured for weeks now.

Southampton would like to take Brandon Williams on loan from Manchester United and are prepared to pay his wages – if they have any left having signed Theo Walcott permanently following his release from Everton where he was earning £150k a week for being absolutely toilet.

Barcelona are hawking many players around the Premier League sides as they need to cut their wage bill urgently – otherwise, they cannot reregister a certain Mr Messi if he does agree a new deal. Therefore, Antoine Griezmann’s CV is on the desks of City and Chelsea. If Arsenal and United get through the pile they’ll see Samuel Umtiti’s resume. Miralem Pjanic is being offered to Tottenham and they can frankly pay what they like. Leeds took the bait on Junior Firpo and signed him for around £10m – though you’d imagine Barca need to shift 15 Firpos to free up enough wage budget to sort Messi out.

Everton have been contacted as well as someone suggested Rafa would like a bit of Clement Lenglet as a welcoming present just as long as he can ensure Moise Kean doesn’t return.

Liverpool are still keen on Renato Sanches who seems to be a bit better than he was for Swansea and are also keen on Napoli midfielder Piotr Zielinski. You can add Atleti’s Saul Niguez and Wolves’ Adama Traore to Klopp’s wanted list too.

Liverpool’s list isn’t done there – King Kloppo would also like Bayern’s Kingsley Coman and Dutchman Donyell Malan to freshen up his squad.

Klopp does not want a reunion with Philippe Coutinho whereas Brendan Rodgers would – yes, another Barca player to get off the wage bill.

Tottenham need to do bits and bits looks like Wolfsburg’s French defender Maxime Lacroix and Danish sensation Mikkel Damsgaard – though Leeds and Leicester are also sniffing around him. Nuno can expect to have Japanese defender Tommy Yasu in his squad when they get going, though. Tomiyasu is 22 and, apparently, pretty good. Which helps.

It wouldn’t be rumours with Paul Pogba being linked with a move away from United – today, it’s PSG’s turn to pretend they might be interested.

Gabby Jesus’ time at City must be coming to an end – I mean, imagine being a striker there and only scoring nine goals last season. Juventus would like to have him and defender Danilo has spent the Copa America talking up life in Turin.

Having signed a new deal, Olivier Giroud is to be sold to AC Milan for £1.4m. Quite how he and Zlatan will get on remains to be seen.

Finally, Arsenal have been lined up for the next Amazon “All or Nothing” documentary series – I’d get out now, Mikel. Whilst you still can.